Encyclopedia of Humor

A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up nuts!” and the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, “Down Nuts!” and they all sat. After a home run he yelled, “Cheer nuts!” and they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot-dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, “well… everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ‘PEANUTS!’”

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.

“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, “That’s no problem. How many do you want?”

The man answered, “Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces.”

The doctor said, “That won’t do you any good.”

The elderly gentleman said, “That’s all right. I don’t need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my shoes.”

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Smith, what’s the problem?”

The mother says, “It’s my daughter Lynda. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is pregnant – about 4 months, would be my guess.”

The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Lynda?”

Lynda says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there doctor?”

The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”

One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard’s idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him.

“Mr. Phillard,” the doctor said, “you are in the recovery room. Don’t worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anaesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids.”

“What! My brother, the idiot! I can’t believe you let him! What did he name them?”

“He named your daughter Denise.”

“Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?”

“He named your son Denephew.”