Encyclopedia of Humor

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.

“What is it?” yells the President.

“It’s this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?” the aide asks.

“Just go ahead and pay it.” responds the President.

A country doctor is suturing a laceration on the hand of an old farmer.

Old man: “All you need to know about politics is that young George Bush is a post turtle.”

Doctor: “Oh? What is a post turtle?”

Old man: “When yer driving down a country road, and ya come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? That’s a post turtle. Ya know he didn’t get there by himself, he don’t belong there, he cain’t get anything done while he’s up there, and you just want to help take the poor thang down.”

Sing the song below to the tune of “Summer Lovin’” from the musical “Grease”.

Bill: “Summer intern, had me a blast”

Monica: “White house intern, happened so fast”

Bill: “Met a girl, crazy for me”

Monica: “Met the prez, down on my knees”

Bill: “Summer days, sucking away, oh, i, but those summer nights”

Investigation Committee: “Well, ah.. well, ah….well, ah. uh Tell us more, tell us more”

Linda Trip: “try to remember your best”

Investigation Committee: “Tell us more, tell us more”

Kenneth Star: “Did he come on your dress?”

Bill: “Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp”

Monica: “The prez is sexy – he makes my panties damp”

Bill: “She gave me head, right in the White House”

Monica: “I said OK, just don’t come in my mouth:

Investigation Committee: “Well, ah.. well, ah….well, ah. uh Tell us more, tell us more”

Linda Trip: “he sounds like a swell guy”

Investigation Committee: “Tell us more, tell us more”

Kenneth Star: “Did he tell you to lie?”

Bill: “Press found out, it turned into a mess”

Monica: “He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress”

Bill: “She promised to lie, she made a vow”

Monica: “Wonder who is servicing him now”

Bill & Monica: “Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams

But………oh

Those Whiii-ii–iiite Hooouuuuse

Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-yiiights”

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

“WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?”

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I had a terrible time with Iran, so I’ve come for some courage.”

“No problem” says the Wizard, “WHO IS NEXT?” Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain.” “Done” says the Wizard.

“Who comes next before the Great Wizard?” Up steps George Bush sadly, “I’m told by the American people that I need a heart.”

“I’ve heard it’s true” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”

Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn’t say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?”

And Bill replies – “Is Dorothy around?”

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.” The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”