Encyclopedia of Humor

One day, many years after the Clinton scandal, Hillary is struck by a car and killed. Soon, Hillary finds herself at the gates of Heaven. She sees St. Peter and asks “Can I get into heaven now?”

He says “Soon, I have some things to take care of.”

So St. Peter leaves and Hillary looks at the scenery and sees millions of clocks lying around. Every once in a while, a clock or so would turn ahead 15 minutes. Hillary wondered why. Soon, St. Peter came back and Hillary asked “St. Peter, What are all these clocks for?”

St Peter replies “Each clock represents a man. Every time a man commits adultry, the clock turns ahead 15 minutes.

Hillary asks “Where’s my husbands clock?” St. Peter replies “Oh, it’s in God’s office, he uses it for a fan.”

Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry.For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?” Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Hillary was shocked, but said, “I am very disappointed and saddened but Iguess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years.” They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “Why do you have all that money in the box?” Bill answered, “Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in.”

Bill Clinton is out on his morning jog when he sees a hooker. As he passses her, he yells “20 bucks!”

“No way,” she answers.

The following morning Bill is jogging with Hillary. As they pass the same hooker on the street she says, “See what you get for 20 bucks?”

“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people” — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

“They’re multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.” — Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

“The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.” — Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

“We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” — Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.” — Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

“When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.” — Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

“It’s like deja vu all over again.” — Yogi Berra

“China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese” — Former French President Charles De Gaulle

“The loss of life will be irreplaceable.” — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.” — A congressional candidate in Texas

“It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody.” — Richard M. Nixon

“The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet.” — Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

“When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.” — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” — Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

“A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money.” — Everett Dirksen

“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.” — Samuel Goldwyn

“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. ” –Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on

Republican family values

“I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.” — John Wayne

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.” — Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

“Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.” — General William Westmoreland

“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.” — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line “a mind is a terrible thing to waste”

“If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.” — Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.” — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

A father walked into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid was spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walked through the market, someone bumped into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin went straight into his mouth and lodged in his throat. He immediately started choking and going blue in the face, and his Dad started panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged man in a gray suit was sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looked up, put his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folded his newspaper and placed it on the counter. He got up from his seat and made his way nonchalantly across the market. Reaching the boy, the man carefully took hold of the kids gonads and squeezed gently but firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the quarter, which the man caught in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man gave the coin to the father and walked back to his seat in the coffee bar without looking back.

As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushed over to the man and thanked him profusely. The man looked embarrassed and brushed off the fathers thanks. “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. What are you, a surgeon or something like that?”

“Oh, good heavens no,” the man replied. “I work for the IRS.”