“John McCain was the big Republican winner. One pundit said McCains lucky nickel was working. He carries a lucky nickel. It must be lucky — six months ago, that was his campaign war chest.” –Jay Leno

“John McCain says that he’s been tested, re-tested and tested again. And that’s just his prostate.” –Jay Leno

“Congratulations to Senator John McCain, the big winner in Florida. … You know, this was what they call a GOP-only primary. So McCain had to win over a whole new voter group for him — Republicans.” –Jay Leno

“Today was a big day in Hollywood. The Academy Awards were announced. It looks a lot of Oscar buzz for ‘No Country For Old Men,’ which I think was also John McCain’s campaign slogan.” –Jay Leno

“Congratulations to John McCain. He was a big winner up in New Hampshire. Fascinating comeback story, this John McCain, quite a guy. Highly decorated veteran. Spent five and a half years in prison then went into politics. Usually it’s the other way around.” –Jay Leno

“As you may have heard, John McCain’s Straight Talk Express has hit some bumps in the road lately, and many of those bumps turned out to be former passengers. Last week, McCain’s strategists Terry Nelson and John Weaver left the campaign. Then, on Monday, the senator lost communications director Brian Jones and deputies Matt Paul and Danny Diaz. I believe the McCain campaign now consists of the senator, his wife, and this guy they picked up hitch-hiking. Which is why, regrettably, I must formally announce that I, too, am leaving the McCain campaign. … This is a decision made all the more difficult by the fact I never worked for the McCain campaign.” –Stephen Colbert

“John Edwards is on the campaign trail. He’s now doing something called his ‘Poverty Tour’, where he’s visiting people who have no money and no hope. In fact, his first stop today: John McCain’s headquarters.” –Jay Leno

“John McCain has a new campaign slogan, ‘An Army Of One.’ … I don’t want to say McCain’s campaign is broke, but today he held a rally at the 99-cent store.” –Jay Leno

“John McCain’s communications director has quit. McCain did not have an immediate comment … because his communications director quit.” –Jay Leno

“The people who want his job were in Simi Valley last night for the big first Republican debate. Ten of them got on the stage. … Chris Matthews was the host and asked the question, ‘Raise your hand if you do not believe in evolution.’ Three of these clowns raised their hands. Actually, four. But McCain just had to use the potty. … McCain said he not only believes in evolution, he remembers it.” –Bill Maher

“Senator John McCain moved to re-energize his presidential campaign with a speech to those for whom his politics are very personal — the last uniformed Americans not deployed in Iraq, the cadets at the Virginia Military Institute. … How committed is Senator McCain? [on screen: McCain saying, 'I would rather lose a campaign than a war.'] … Luckily for Senator McCain, he might not have to choose.” –Jon Stewart

“Big news from the 2008 presidential campaign. Last night, Senator John McCain — right here on this program — announced he’s running for president. And then today, he shaved his head and checked into rehab.” –David Letterman

“You heard about the big John McCain gaffe. He was on the David Letterman show announcing his presidential campaign, and he pulled a Joe Biden. … He used the word ‘wasted’ to describe the lives lost in Iraq. Next day, he said he should have used the word ‘sacrifice’. But to put it into perspective, when McCain was a prisoner in Vietnam, George Bush was wasted. Sorry, I meant to say he was sacrificing brain cells.” –Bill Maher

“Yesterday at a political rally, Governer Arnold Schwarzenegger called John McCain ‘a great senator and a very good friend.’ Apparently, Arnold likes McCain because it’s so much easier to pronounce than Giuliani.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Bush announced he has decided to visit Vietnam. The president said ‘It must be a pretty nice place. I hear John McCain spent five years there.’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Bush said he will visit Vietnam next year. … He told the prime minister that he is anxious to stay at that Hanoi Hilton that John McCain is always talking about.” –Jay Leno

“John Kerry said I can’t tell you how proud I am to have John Edwards on my team, especially after John McCain turned me down.” –Jay Leno