Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, “Do you want to live with Papa Bear?”

“No,” Baby Bear replies, “he beats me.”

Then the judge asks, “Do you want to live with Mama Bear?”

“No,” Baby Bear replies, “she beats me too.”

So the Judge says, “Who do you want to live with then?”

Baby Bear replies, “I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they don’t beat anybody.”

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Bible church’s focus is the Bible: Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994

Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons: Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6

Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity: The Chicago Tribune, March 5

Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear: Journal of Commerce, April 20

Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person: The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2

Lack of brains hinders research: The Columbus Dispatch, April 16

How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart: Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5

Fish lurk in streams: Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29

Q: What do whales like to chew?
A: Blubber gum!

Q: What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
A: DAM

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, “Whenever I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.”

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, “Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.”

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, “I don’t have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat.”

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

March Planned For Next August

Blind Bishop Appointed To See

Lingerie Shipment Hijacked–Thief Gives Police The Slip

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide

Patient At Death’s Door–Doctors Pull Him Through

Latin Course To Be Canceled–No Interest Among Students, Et Al.

Diaper Market Bottoms Out

Croupiers On Strike–Management: “No Big Deal”

Stadium Air Conditioning Fails–Fans Protest