These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Man shoots neighbor with machete: The Miami Herald, July 3

Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes: The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30

Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows: The New York Times, March 10

Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies: The Los Angeles Times, March 2

Scientists see quakes in L.A. future: The Oregonian, January 28

Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning: The Buffalo News, February 26

Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold: Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26

Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer: Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25

Economist uses theory to explain economy: Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8

An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. “What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

“OH MY GOD! …”

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving …

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around…

“YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON’T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?”

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, “It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?”

“VERY WELL.” Said God.

The light went out.

The river ran.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

… and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive.”

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog’s cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?”

“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”

“No, because he’s really heavy”

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Bible church’s focus is the Bible: Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994

Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons: Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6

Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity: The Chicago Tribune, March 5

Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear: Journal of Commerce, April 20

Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person: The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2

Lack of brains hinders research: The Columbus Dispatch, April 16

How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart: Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5

Fish lurk in streams: Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29

Once there was a man who was in love with a beautiful woman and he wanted to marry her.
The woman told him that befor they could get married he would have to ask her father, who was a farmer. So the next day the man went to the farmer and said, “Sir I love your daughter very much and I would like to ask for her hand in marriage.” The farmer sat there and looked at him for a moment and said, “I will let you marry her, but first you must compleat a test.”

Willing to do anything to be able to marry the girl the man agreed. The farmer said, “first you must jump the fence, swim the river and screw the cow in the barn.” The man thought that it sounded easy enough so he did it.

When he got finished he asked the farmer, “Ok now can I marry your daughter?” The farmer couldn’t belive that the man had acutally done those things and thinking it was funny he told the man to do it again!

So the man jumped the fence, swam the river, and screwed the cow, again! When he was finished the man went back to the farmer and asked “Now may I marry your daughter?” By this time the farmer was amazed that the man did all that a second time, and wondered if he would do it a third, so the farmer said, “Ok if you do all that one more time I will let you marry my daughter.”

So the man did it again. He jumped the fence, swam, the river, and screwed the cow. When he came back to the farmer this time, the farmer said, “Ok now you can marry my daughter.”
The man said, “To hell with you daughter how much do you want for the cow?”