These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

At a Santa Fe gas station: “We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.”

In a New York restaurant: “Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.”

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: “Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.-Sisters of Mercy”

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: “38 years on the same spot.”

In a Los Angeles dance hall: “Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.”

In a Florida maternity ward: “No children allowed.”

In a New York drugstore: “We dispense with accuracy.”

In the offices of a loan company: “Ask about our plans for owning your home.”

In a New York medical building: “Mental Health Prevention Center”

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

On a New York convalescent home: “For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”

On a Maine shop: “Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.”

At a number of military bases: “Restricted to unauthorized personnel.”

On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards: “Now available in multi-packs.”

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: “Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.”

In a funeral parlor: “Ask about our layaway plan.”

In a clothing store: “Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.”

In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store: “15 men’s wool suits, $10. They won’t last an hour!”

On a shopping mall marquee: “Archery Tournament-Ears pierced”

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Outside a country shop: “We buy junk and sell antiques.”

In the window of an Oregon store: “Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?”

In a Maine restaurant: “Open 7 days a week and weekends.”

In the vestry of a New England church: “Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.”

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: “Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”

On a roller coaster: “Watch your head.”

On the grounds of a public school: “No trespassing without permission.”

On a Tennessee highway: “When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.”

In front of a New Hampshire car wash: “If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.”

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign in a realtor’s office: “Lots for little.”

Sign in a shoe store: “Come in and have a fit.”

Sign in a maternity clothes store: “We are open on labor day.”

Sign in a non-smoking area: “If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

Sign on the door of the maternity ward: “Push Push Push.”

Sign at entrance of the IRS: “Watch your step.”

Sign at the exit of the IRS: “Watch your mouth.”

Sign in a bookstore: “We treat you write.”

Sign on a front door: “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.”

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign on a scientist’s door: “Gone fission.”

Sign in a taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”

Sign in a podiatrist’s window: “Time wounds all heels.”

Sign in a butcher’s window: “Let me meat your needs.”

Sign on used car lot: “Second hand cars in first crash condition.”

Sign on fence: “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.”

Sign in a car dealership office: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Sign over a cannibal’s hut: “I never met a man I didn’t like.”

Sign in a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”