Q: What is GAAP (generally accepted accounting principles)?
A: The difference between accounting theory and practice.

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like < face="Times New Roman"><–more–>                                                                                hours as the accountant pored over them.
Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, “You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.”

“Why would you say that?” wondered the broker.

“Because you’ve made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career.”

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.

After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself.”

The accountant is perplexed. “I’ve tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome,” he tells St. Peter.

“It’s the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young,” says St. Peter.

The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, “123 years old? I don’t know what you mean. I’m only 40.”

St. Peter replies, “But that can’t be right – we’ve seen your time sheets!”

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.”

“And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”

The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, “Now, you have everything.”

Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, “What is three times seven?”

“Twenty-two,” Kowalski replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn’t get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious.

The next day, Kowalski went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, “Well, you were the closest.”