After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery “down below” to restore herself to her former youthful glory.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she’d tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

Who are these from ?” she asked the nurse, “They’re very nice but I’m a bit confused as to why I’ve received them.”

“Well” said the nurse, “The first is from the surgeon – the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks.”

“Ahhh, thats really nice” said Lucy.

“The second is from your husband – he’s delighted the operation was such a success that he can’t wait to get you home. Apparently it’ll be the first time he’s touched the sides for years and he’s very excited!”

“Brilliant!” said Lucy. “And the third?”

“Thats from Eric in the burns unit” said the nurse.
“He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!”

A Soviet emigre boy and girl come to a doctor’s office and say: “Doctor, we would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will you watch us, please?”

The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table, the boy gets on top of the girl, and they have sex. After observing them, the doctor says, “Yes, you’re having sex properly. That will be forty dollars.”

They come back the next day with the same request, but this time the boy enters the girl from the rear. They keep coming for four days in a row, using different positions every day.

On the fifth visit the doctor says, “Why do you keep on coming back?
I told you you’re having sex properly.”

The boy explains, “The hotel room costs the same forty dollars, but this way we get reimbursed by Medicaid.”

This information came over the internet some years ago. It purports to be the answers given by students in science exams around the world. It came with the comment that “it is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressure of time and grades?.” I was unable to trace the author, but as the work deserves wider dissemination, I present here the answers of most interest to a medical audience.

General:

“The body consists of three parts – the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax, the heart and lungs; and the abominable cavity, the bowls, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, and u.”

Respiration:

“When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire”
“Respiration consists of two acts: first inspiration, then expectoration.”

Cardiovascular:
“The three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, veins, and caterpillars.”

Gastrointestinal:
“The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Alabama.”

Dentistry:
“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”

Orthopaedics:
“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat on.”

Reproductive medicine:
“Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.”
“To prevent contraception, wear a condominium.”
“Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.”

Haematology:
“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.”

Eyes and nose:
“To remove dust from the eye: pull the eye down over the nose.”
“For nosebleeds, put the nose lower than the body until the heart stops.”
“For a cold: use an agoniser to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.”

First aid:
“For fainting: rub the person’s chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the head instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor.”
“For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.”
“For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.”
“For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.”

Nine months after struggling to get out; rest of your life you are struggling to get in.

1. “Have you ever been in therapy? No? You should try it. It’s like a really easy game show where the correct answer to every question is: ‘Because of my mother.’”
Robin Greenspan

2. “After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, ‘Maybe life isn’t for everyone’.”
Larry Brown.
3. “The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable.”
Paul Dean.
4. “If excessive smoking actually plays a role in the production of lung cancer, it seems to be a minor one.”
Dr WC Heuper (1954)
5. “As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, ‘Relax, you’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients’, but the another kept reminding me, ‘Howard, you are a veterinarian!’”
Dick Wilson.
6. “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”
Walter Matthau.
7. “A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy.”
Joan Rivers.
8. “She got her looks from her father: He’s a plastic surgeon.”
Groucho Marx.
9. “For the majority of people smoking has a beneficial effect.”
Dr Ian MacDonald (1963)
10. “Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.”
Samuel Goldwyn.
11. “I was under the care of a couple of medical students who couldn’t diagnose a decapitation.”
Jeffrey Bernard
12. “First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”
Steve Martin.
13. “No-one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
Kin Hubbard.
14. “There must be something to acupuncture. After all, you never see any sick porcupines!”
Bob Goddard.
15. “The operation was a complete success, but the patient died of something else.”
John Chiene
16. “I’m not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.”
Groucho Marx
17. “A psychiatrist is a man who goes to a strip club and watches the audience.”
Merv Stockwood.
18. “Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won’t cure a cold.”
Jerry Vale
19. “I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.”
Spike Milligan
20. “The art of medicine is in amusing a patient while nature affects the cure.”
Voltaire