A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.
During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions.

“Your Honor,” replied the defendant, “that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didn’t have to be present and “not to worry.”

“I can’t see why you’d punch a man for that,” interrupted the judge.

“Wait, there’s more…
When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why.
Then he said, “Because everything’s coming up Rose’s.”

“THAT’S when I hit him!”

A man is in court. The Judges says,”on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?”

“Guilty”, said the man in the dock.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted “You dirty rat!” The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued “….. and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead”?

“Guilty”, said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, “You dirty rotten stinking rat”!!

At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, “I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?”

He replied “He is my next door neighbor”.
The Judge replied, “I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments”.

The man replied “NO, your Honor, you don’t understand.
Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn’t have one”!!

Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver’s test?

A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.”

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative:

He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: “That’s Strange”!

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team�s response times. �Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,� bragged one, �we�ve cut our emergency response time by ten percent.� �Not bad,� the second paramedic commented. �But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we we cut our average time by 20 percent.�

�That�s nothing said the third paramedic. �Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we�ve cut our emergency response time in half!�