Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I’m a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, “I can’t take this anymore! I can’t just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me at least die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?”

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man’s muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, “I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?” Eagerly, she shakes her head and exclaims, “Yes!” The man hands her his shirt and says, “Here, iron this.”

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, “I want the men to make two lines — one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.”

The next time God looked, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there was only one man.

God got mad and said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”

The man replied, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”

What is a CAT?

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They’re totally unpredictable.

4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

7. They’re moody.

8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They’re tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a DOG?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don’t hear you when you’re in the same room.

3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4. They growl when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to play.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They leave their toys everywhere.

8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!

9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION: They’re tiny men in little fur coats.

On News Years Eve, a thin and bony husband is walking around in the house wearing only his boxers.

His wife comes out of the kitchen and says, “Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on.”

“Oh no, I won’t,” he says. “I want everybody to see how you feed your husband…”

“Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there’s nothing that I should feed you for.”