Workplace Hazardous materials Information System

Substance: Women

Chemical system: Wow

Manufacturer: God

Typical Size: Average weight 115 lbs; specimens can vary from 90 to 200 lbs.

Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES

1. Surface Tension – Soft and warm

2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.

3. Boils at nothing.

4. Freezes without reason.

5. Melts with special reason.

6. Flavour initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.

7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore.

8. Yields to pressure applied at certain points.

9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.

10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES

1. Has affinity for gold, silver and precious stones.

2. Absorbs great quantity of expensive substances.

3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.

4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.

5. Most powerful money reducing agent known.

COMMON USES

1. Highly ornamental.

2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.

3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.

SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION

1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.

2. Turns green when compared to better specimens.

HAZZARDS

1. May explode spontaneously without cause.

2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.

3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards

One day The Lord spoke to Adam. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” The Lord said.

Adam looked at The Lord and replied, “Well, give me the good news first.”

Smiling, The Lord explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.”

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?”

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, “You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time.”

God was talking to Adam and Eve one day just before Creation. He asked, “Well, you two, I only have a couple more goodies left to hand out before my job is done.

Which one of you wants to be able to pee standing up?”

Adam raises his hand and yells “Me, Me, pick me!!” So God obliged.

God looks at Eve and says – “Well, sorry Eve…but it looks like you’re stuck with the multiple orgasms.”

A scientist had previously been a sailor. He was very aware that ships were addressed as “she” and “her”. He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed as. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts.

The first group was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.

The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.

The have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem themselves.

As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads, “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

“We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, “All the men here have it short and thin.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads, “All the men here have it long and thin.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor, where the sign reads, “All the men here have it short and thick.” They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here have it long and thick.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

On the fifth floor, they find a sign that reads, “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”