There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job. She began to scream and yell, “You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?”

“For twenty years I’ve wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer,” he explained, “and today I finally did it!”

The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. “You look okay,” she said with a sigh of relief. “So what happened to the pickle slicer?”

“Well,” he said with hesitation, “they fired her, too.”

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four”.

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says “Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!”.

Again, there’s a bright flash… and then his legs fall off!

So you think your life is bad…

Just think how bad the life of an egg is…

You only get laid once

You only get eaten once

It takes 4 minutes to get hard and

2 minutes to get soft

You have to share a box with

11 other guys

And the only chick that ever sat on

your face was your mother

Now don’t you feel better?

Hell no!

One day a big Indian Chief goes to his local pharmacy. He goes up to the clerk and says, “Last night me fuck squaw, left nut go ‘oomph’, right nut go ‘oomph’, dick go ‘oomph’, condom go BOOM!”

Now the clerk was quite impressed by this sexual feat so he grabbed some Trojans for professionals and tells the Chief to come back and tell him how they work for him.

The next day, the big Chief comes back to the pharmacy, goes right up to the clerk and gruffly says, “Last night me fuck squaw, left nut go ‘oomph’, right nut go ‘oomph’, dick go ‘oomph’, condom go BOOM!”

The clerk thinks to himself, “Damn, this guy must have some kind of super ejaculation going on.” So he goes into the back of the store and gets a prototype condom for the Chief. The description on the box reads, “This is a joint effort between Goodyear and Michelin. This condom is steel belted and should only be used in extreme circumstances.”

The clerk hands the condom to the Chief and tells him about the special condoms, and to report back to him on how well they work for him.

The next day, the Chief comes back on crutches with a shotgun under his arm. He storms up to the clerk. The clerk is thinking, “Oh Shit! The condom must not have worked and he’s really pissed.”

The Chief looks at the clerk and yells, “Last night me fuck squaw!! Left nut go ‘oomph’, right nut go ‘oomph’, dick go ‘oomph, condom go ‘oomph, left nut go ‘BOOM’!”

A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband’s best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they’re just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation …

(She is speaking in a cheery voice) “Hello? Oh, hi. I’m so glad that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye.”

She hangs up the telephone, and her lover asks, “Who was that?”

“Oh,” she replies,” that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having with you on his fishing trip.”