Why didn’t the mouse cross the road?

It’s cord wasn’t long enough!

January 1, 2000

Dear (enter employee name here)

Re: Vacation Pay

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I’m sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.

One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,
432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,

Automated Payroll Processing

PCMCIA- People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN- It Still Does Nothing

APPLE- Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI- System Can’t See It

BASIC- Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM- I Blame Microsoft

CD-ROM- Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2- Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW- World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH- Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM- Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

COBOL- Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

WINDOWS- Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT- Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for)
Fools (&) Teenagers.

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God….

“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created Windows ‘
95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. In your case, I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.” “Well, what’s the difference between the two?” Bill asks.

God says, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.” “Fine, but where should I go first?” “I’ll leave that up to you.” “Okay, then,” says Bill. “Let me try Hell first.”

So Bill goes to Hell. It’s a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is perfect. He is very pleased. “This is great!” he tells God. “If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!”

“Fine,” says God, and off they go. Heaven is a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It’s nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a quick minute and decides. “Hmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he tells God. “Fine,” replies God. “As you desire.”

So Bill Gates goes to Hell. Two weeks later, God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he is doing in Hell. When he gets there, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.

“How’s everything going?” he asks Bill. Bill responds, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?”

“Oh … that was the SCREENSAVER.”

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless, to say the helpdesk employee was fired: however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for “Termination without Cause.”

Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support Employee: “Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?” “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?” “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?” “They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?” “Nothing.”

“Nothing?” “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?” “How do I tell?”

“Can you see the c:\prompt on the screen?” “What’s a sea-prompt?”

“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?” “There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

“Does your monitor have a power indicator?” “What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?” “I don’t know.”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?” “Yes, I think so.”

“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall. “Yes, it is.”

“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?” “No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.” “Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.” “I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?” “No”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?” “Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark.”

“Dark?” “Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.” “I can’t.”

“No? Why not?” “Because there’s a power outage.”

“A power….A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the box and manuals and packing stuff you computer came in?” “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?” “Yes, I’m afraid it is.” “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?” “Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer!”