A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.
Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

“Well,” she said. “The first time I married an octogenarian and he
died before we could consummate the marriage.”

“The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our
wedding day.”

“The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just
sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going
to be.”

Should you receive a document with any of the following viruses, you must immediately open the window and throw out your computer. I repeat, do not ever again use your computer should it be infected with ANY of these horrible viruses.

1. Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend’s hard drive.

2. Lorena Bobbit Virus
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

3. Tonya Harding Virus
Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

4. Paul Revere Virus
Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\

5. Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.

6. Ollie North Virus
Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.

7. Joey Buttafuaco Virus
Only attacks minor files.

8. Ronald Reagan Virus
Saves your data, but forgets where it’s stored.

9. Jane Fonda Virus
Attacks your hard drive’s FAT.

10. Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

11. AT&T Virus
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

12. MCI Virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

13. Politically Correct Virus
Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

14. Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.

15. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

16. Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

17. Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

18. Adam and Eve Virus
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

19. Congressional Virus #1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

20. Congressional Virus #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

21. Airline Virus
You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

22. PBS Virus
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

23. Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again.

24. LAPD Virus
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense.”

25. O.J. Virus
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!!!!

It’s time to turn your computer off and read a book when….

1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

2. You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom.

3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.

5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

6. You laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.

7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

8. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com.

9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

10. You can’t call your mother. . She doesn’t have a modem.

11. You check you mail. It says “no new messages”. So you check it again.

12. You don’t know what gender three of your closest friends are because they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.

13. You move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.

14. You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html

15. You start tilting you head sideways to smile.

16. After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to 10 friends.

op Ten Ways A Computer Nerd Can Impress His Date

10. Flash the big wads of tens and twenties you created with your color laser printer and top-notch graphics program.

9. Spend an evening playing floppy disks backward, listening for the secret messages about Satan.

8. Invite her back to your place to show her the etchings on your Newton MessagePad.

7. Let the lady go first when you reach the virtual reality escalator.

6. Serenade her with your MIDI-compatible drum pads.

5. Have your dinner illuminated by the soft glow of an active-matrix LCD panel.

4. If you’re getting serious, consider a set of “his ‘n’ her” system unit keys.

3. Drive her crazy by murmuring tender love words with the help of a French-speaking voice synthesizer.

2. Never type on your date’s laptop computer without permission, particularly if the system is on her lap.

1. When things get tough, simply ask yourself, “What would Bill Gates do in a situation like this?

If you receive an email entitled “Badtimes,” delete it immediately! Do not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator’s coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone’s autodial to call only your mother-in-law’s number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some)to migrate behind your ears. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings, which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the “Badtimes” message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam. It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs of infection.