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Funny Lists


What are lists?
Well .. lists are articles like: The top 10 things that [insert purpose here], How to [insert result here] in [insert period here] … with a funny approach.
They are very successful and a great number of such lists are running around the WWW.

From Resumania’s Archive:

1. Job Duties: “Answer phones, file papers, respond to customer e-mails, take odors.”
2. Interests: “Gossiping.”
3. Favorite Activities: “Playing trivia games. I am a repository of worthless knowledge.”
4. Skills: “I can type without looking at thekeyboard.”
5. Employer: ” Myself; received pay raise for high sales.”
6. Objective: “I want to play a major part in watching a company advance.”
7. Experience: “Chapter president, 1887-1992.”
8. Experience: “Demonstrated ability in multi-tasting.”
9. Experience: “I’m a hard worker, etc.”
10. Languages: “Speak English and Spinach.”
11. Reason for leaving: “I thought the world was coming to an end.”
Read More…

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1. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
2. Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.
3. Are your parents siblings?
4. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
5. Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
6. Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
7. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
8. Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d had enough oxygen at birth?
9. Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
10. Don’t you have a terribly empty feeling – in your skull?
11. Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
12. Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?
13. Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
14. Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It’ll only take 10 seconds.
15. Have you considered suing your brains for non-support? Read More…

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Posted in: Funny Insults, Funny Lists No Comments.

“He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.”
- Victor Borge talking about Mozart

“Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?”
- Freddie Mercury on Billy Idol

“I knew right away that Rock Hudson was gay when he did not fall in love with me.”
- Gina Lollogrigida on Rock Hudson

“I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.”
- Groucho Marx

“Actually, I never liked Dylan’s kind of music before; I always thought he sounded just like Yogi Bear.”
- Mick Ronson

“Here lies my wife: here let her lie !
Now she’s at rest and so am I”
- John Dryden on his wife

“If pople don’t sit at Chaplin’s feet, he goes out and stands where they are sitting.”
- Herman J. Mankiewicz

“He emits an air of overwhelming vanity combined with some unspecific nastiness, like a black widow spider in heat. But nobody seems to notice. He could be reciting ‘Fox’s Book of Martyrs’ in Finnish and these people would be rolling out of their seats.”
- Roger Gellert on John Cleese

“A hyena that wrote poetry in tombs.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche on Dante

“The biggest no-talent I ever worked with.”
- Paul Cohen on Buddy Holly

“The stupid person’s idea of a clever person.”
- Elizabeth Bowen on Aldous Huxley

“It is only too easy to catch people’s attention by doing something worse than anyone else has dared to do it before.”
- Charivari on Claude Monet

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Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we’ll go places!

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: I’m stuck on you.

Q: Who sends a thousand valentines cards signed’, guess who’ ?
A: A divorce lawyer.

Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.

Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A: No, but they had an apple.

Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand? 

Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn’t get a date.

Q: What is a ram’s favourite song on February 14th?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear

Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
A: A stamp.

Q: What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?
A: You get buttered up.

Q: What is a vampire’s sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul-friend.

Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
A: Antelope.

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  1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
  2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
  3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
  4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
  5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
  6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
  7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. Read More…
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Posted in: Dumb People Jokes, Funny Lists 1 Comment.