Did you know Latin is the original language in of the State of Vatican?
If you ever thought about becoming the Pope, you should start learning Latin.

Here are some usefull phrases:

Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.
It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.

Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.
The designated hitter rule has got to go.

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
If Caesar were alive, you’d be chained to an oar.

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

(At a barbeque)
Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?
Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?

More Useful Latin

Sona si Latine loqueris.
Honk if you speak Latin.

Si Hoc Legere Scis Nimium Eruditionis Habes
If you can read this you’re over-educated

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

Vidi Vici Veni
I saw, I conquered, I came

Vacca foeda
Stupid cow

Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi.
Excuse me. I’ve got to see a man about a dog.

Raptus regaliter
Royally screwed

Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!
If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!

Gramen artificiosum odi.
I hate Astroturf.

Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
I’m not interested in your dopey religious cult.

Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.
Don’t call me, I’ll call you.

Nullo metro compositum est.
It doesn’t rhyme.

Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
I don’t care. If it doesn’t rhyme, it isn’t a poem.

Fac ut gaudeam.
Make my day.

Braccae illae virides cum subucula rosea et tunica Caledonia-quam elenganter concinnatur!
Those green pants go so well with that pink shirt and the plaid jacket!

Visne saltare? Viam Latam Fungosam scio.
Do you want to dance? I know the Funky Broadway.

Re vera, potas bene.
Say, you sure are drinking a lot.

Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!
May barbarians invade your personal space!

Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant!
May conspirators assassinate you in the mall!

Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!
May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!

Radix lecti
Couch potato

Quo signo nata es?
What’s your sign?

O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!
Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!

Mellita, domi adsum.
Honey, I’m home.

Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio.
I am as dead as the nehru jacket.

Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
Go with the flow.

Totum dependeat.
Let it all hang out.

Te precor dulcissime supplex!
Pretty please with a cherry on top!

Magister Mundi sum!
I am the Master of the Universe!

Fac me cocleario vomere!
Gag me with a spoon!

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can’t hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
Take my wife, please!

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Nihil est–in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui.
That’s nothing–in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.

Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!
Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business.

Vescere bracis meis.
Eat my shorts.

Sic faciunt omnes.
Everyone is doing it.

Fac ut vivas.
Get a life.

Anulos qui animum ostendunt omnes gestemus!
Let’s all wear mood rings!

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

Enjoy!!

How To Make Women Happy…
The Point System
(advice according to women)

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Simple Duties:
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty (0)
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom (-2)

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
In the snow (+8)
But return with beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It’s her pet (-10)

Social Engagements At a Party:
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (-8)

Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted in all of the colors of your favorite sports team (-10)

A Night Out With the Boys:
Go with a pal (-5)
The pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Mustang (-10)
With a personalized license plate that reads GR8 N BED (-15)

A Night Out:
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It’s called DeathCop 9 (-3)
Which features cyborgs that eat humans (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-800)

Communication: When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+100)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-20)

The Big Question: She asks, “Do I look fat?”
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
Any other response (-20)

1. Getting kissed in the pouring rain.
And then developing pneumonia because you were too stupid to use an umbrella.

2. Have that one hot kiss where you’re pressed against the wall.
And then pressing charges for sexual assault.

3. Have a guy that thinks you’re the world.
Because men who think about anything other than you are obviously unfaithful!

4. Have a guy that holds on as long as possible when giving hugs.
Nothing beats a collapsed lung, right?

5. A guy that you don’t have to be with 24/7 to know that he loves you.
Because you had a special microchip embedded into his feeble brain to control him with.

6. When you cry, he kisses your tears away.
And then dies of dehydration because tears are saltwater and you cry an all the time!

7. A guy who tells you that your smile makes everything better.
Sure you cheated on him with an entire football team, but just smile and everything will be better.

8. A guy that will play her favorite song outside her window.
Regardless of musical incompetence and uses an accordion.

9. A guy who squeezes your hand.
And because of this you develop premature arthritis, yay!

10. A guy that says he loves you and means it.
Aside from the guys that say “I love you” and mean it as a punch line.

11. A guy who would love you forever no matter the circumstance.
Even if you were screwing his best friend and brother at the same time.

12. A guy that will kiss you on the forehead.
Even when it’s covered with puss-dripping zits.

13. A guy that will sing to you no matter how bad he is at it.
What could possibly beat getting a migraine from your a tone-deaf boyfriend as he bellows Snoop Dogg’s “Trust Me”.

14. A guy who stands up for you no matter who he is against.
Especially if you’re in trouble with the Mob. Just hope he hasn’t seen Scarface.

15. A guy that will never judge you for how you look.
Then why are you constantly asking to judge if other women are prettier than you?

16. A guy who you can hangout and have fun with.
Which means that he had better have fun by watching you get your nails done and spend all of his money on handbags and shoes.

17. A guy who will hold your hand through the roughest parts of life.
Like when you dump him for that rich doctor you’ve always dreamed about.

18. A guy that tells you everything honestly.
Because every girl wants to hear the truth when they ask their boyfriend if he thinks they’re too fat.

19. A guy that will always let you win.
Even if the girl knows she’s terrible at a game she wants a guy to blatantly lie to her and pretend he sucks even more she does just to make her sad ego feel better.

20. Wearing his jacket and every time you breath in, his scent surrounds you.
And since he just finished smoking a huge rock of crack, you get a nice contact buzz.

21. A guy who will watch any movie with you, no matter how teary eyed you may get.
You know real tear-jerkers like Debbie Does Dallas, and Backdoor Sluts 9.

22. A guy that will call you beautiful or adorable… not hot, fine, or sexy.
The reason he doesn’t call you sexy is because you’re ugly and you’re only adorable in the same way a baby covered in afterbirth is adorable.

23. A guy that is the same when he is with you as he is when with his friends.
In that case you want a guy who is drunk, flirting with every girl in the room, and peeing in your house plants.

24. A guy who will sit on the phone with you when you’re sad, even if you’re quiet.
Not like it matters as long as you’re footing the bill. Why should he use up his minutes to talk to a mime?

25. A guy who you can be yourself with and he will never care and would still tell you that you are amazing to him.
If you can find a guy with such incredibly low standards, go for him!

26. A guy who runs his fingers through your hair, like he’s washing your worries away.
But then gets tangled in it and daftly rips out a huge bloody chunk of your scalp.

27. A guy that will just randomly call you for no reason at all, just because he missed you.
Like, for instance, when he’s taking a huge dump after eating Taco Bell. That’s a good time for a call.

1. “Vacation” means goin’ through Harrison on the way to Branson.
2. Down South, to you, means Louisiana.
3. You have no problem spelling or pronouncin’ Ouachita or Possum Grape.
4. You know what Toad Suck and Booger Holler are.
5. Your idea of a really great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun and comes with cole slaw on top.
6. You say catty-wampus and tumped over.
7. Pulaski County is considered a foreign or exotic place.
8. You consider being a “Beef Queen” an honor.
9. You faithfully drink Pepsi, Mt. Dew, or Dr. Pepper everyday of your life. Read More…

#15 “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

#14 “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

#13 “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

#12 “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

#11 “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

#10 “Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”

#9 “Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

#8 “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

#7 “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”

#6 “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

#5 “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

#4 “How big were those ‘Just two beers’ you say you had?”

#3 “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

#2 “I’m glad to hear that Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

AND THE WINNER IS….

#1 “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”