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How To

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who
think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged
daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the
maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions
about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the
product to the factory for a full refund).


To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl,
please examine your new daughter carefully.

Does she:

(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more
makeup and less clothing?

(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth(except
when requesting money)?

(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.


When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially
experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort
will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the
“Break-In Period,” during which you are becoming accustomed to
certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress.
Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start
acting even worse.


To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity
of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.


Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your
teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.


Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the
words “clean” and “neat.” Teenaged daughters are very clean, because
they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will
scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must
purchase for them because like I’m sure I’m going to use like the
same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely
drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in
every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew
throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are
confusing “clean” with “neat.” Teenagers are very busy and do not
have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These
others are called “parents.”


Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be
purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you
eat because it is like so disgusting.

She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because
some people might see you and, “like I’m sure I want my friends to
see me eating dinner with my parents”. Either order take-out food or
just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never
answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and,
“ohmigod he is so hot!” Yes, your daughter’s idea of an attractive
man is the pizza boy.


Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly
sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you
enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available
to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a
lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute
outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the
schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.


Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance:

“High,” and “Ultra High”.

Your daughter is “Ultra High.” This means that whatever you do won’t
be enough and whatever you try won’t work.


This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for
heaven’s sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents,
who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a
teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in
her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned
never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged
daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does
not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except
that deep down she’s actually still there–you just have to look for her.

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Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter’s chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter’s suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they’ll stay wilted all night.

“So,” I’ll call out jovially. “I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you’re stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?”

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
- Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.

- Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.

- Places where there is darkness.

- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.

- Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.

- Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.

- Hockey games are okay.

- Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

NOTE: If you still have the guts to date my daughter, complete the “Permission to date my daughter” application here.

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NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,current medical report from your doctor and personal reccomendation from your clergy.

NAME______________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT_______ WEIGHT________ IQ______ GPA_________

SOCIAL SECURITY #___________ DRIVERS LICENSE #__________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS____________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:

Number of years they have been married ______________________

If less than your age, explain


A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No



In 50 words or less, what does ‘LATE’ mean to you?


In 50 words or less, what does ‘DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER’ mean to you?

In 50 words or less, what does ‘ABSTINENCE’ mean to you?


Church you attend

How often you attend
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________


Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

C: A woman’s place is in the:

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________


Applicant’s Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_____________________     _____________________
Mother’s Signature                 Father’s Signature
____________________     _____________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi                  State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

NOTE: Do NOT apply if you haven’t read the rules here.

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A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked. “I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked. He quickly answered: “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”

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1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.

4: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.’(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

7: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8: Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9: Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.

10: I’ve run away to join a different circus.

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