Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who
think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged
daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the
maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions
about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the
product to the factory for a full refund).

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:

To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl,
please examine your new daughter carefully.

Does she:

(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more
makeup and less clothing?

(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth(except
when requesting money)?

(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.

BREAK-IN PERIOD

When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially
experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort
will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the
“Break-In Period,” during which you are becoming accustomed to
certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress.
Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start
acting even worse.

ACTIVATION

To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity
of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN

Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your
teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the
words “clean” and “neat.” Teenaged daughters are very clean, because
they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will
scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must
purchase for them because like I’m sure I’m going to use like the
same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely
drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in
every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew
throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are
confusing “clean” with “neat.” Teenagers are very busy and do not
have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These
others are called “parents.”

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be
purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you
eat because it is like so disgusting.

She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because
some people might see you and, “like I’m sure I want my friends to
see me eating dinner with my parents”. Either order take-out food or
just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never
answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and,
“ohmigod he is so hot!” Yes, your daughter’s idea of an attractive
man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly
sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you
enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available
to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a
lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute
outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the
schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE

Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance:

“High,” and “Ultra High”.

Your daughter is “Ultra High.” This means that whatever you do won’t
be enough and whatever you try won’t work.

WARRANTY

This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for
heaven’s sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents,
who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a
teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in
her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned
never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged
daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does
not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except
that deep down she’s actually still there–you just have to look for her.