If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these:

“You could do worse.” “I’ll work so hard you won’t even know I’m there.” “I’ll need all my paid vacation time up front so I’ll be rested when I start.” “You can’t turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason.” “If you call the people I listed as references, please call my parole officer last.” “That big thing growing on my face isn’t my fault.” “I don’t do drugs at work any more. And I probably won’t” “I can go all day without peeing once.” “If you hired my dumbass brother then you can surely hire me.” “If you hire me I promise not to say anything about the your wicked bad breath.” “I won’t sue you when you fire me.” “My arrest record is all a bunch of lies.” “Iff you kin reed my handriting, ain’t that gud enuff fer me to get the job? “I was a sniper in the Army.” “The only reason my grades in High School was so bad was because all the teachers thought I was stupid because I didn’t pass the tests. They wasn’t being fair to me because they don’t like me.” “I can make explosives from Windex, white-out, and copy machine toner.” “If you hire me you can blow your nose on my sleeve any time you want to.” “I’ll need a company car and a driver because I can’t legally drive anywhere in the Western Hemisphere except Cuba and it sucks to go there.” “If you hire me don’t tell the Welfare until I get my Jeep paid off.” “The sticky stuff on my sleeve isn’t what you think.” “You don’t have the BALLS to hire someone like me!” “If you hire me I will show up. That’s all I can promise for sure, but maybe it will be better than that and I will sure try.” “When do we eat?” “How long do I have to work here before I can collect unemployment again?” “Don’t go checking into my record, but if you do, she swore she was
18.” “I don’t hear the voices anymore. Do not. Do not. Do not. SHUT UP!!!” “If you give me a job you’re OK but if you don’t you suck.” “I don’t DO applications.” “If I work here I’ll wear the stupid uniform as long as I can wear any kind of underwear I want.” “This will be my first job since the Beatles broke up because they really pissed me off!” “I won’t have to do anything, will I” “If I get sick on the job, will I have to clean up my own puke?” “Can I bring my goat to the company daycare center?” “I collect guns. You probably want to tell me that I got the job now, right?” “I’m not what? Oh yeah? Well here’s what you can do with your friggin’ job…”

Once there were four engineers traveling in a car. While they were traveling to their destination the car stalled on them.

Then the first engineer who was a mechanical engineer said, “don’t worry its probably engine problems. I will just pop open the hood and take a look at the motor”.

Then the second engineer, who was an electrical engineer, said, “no, no ,no. It is an electrical problem. Just let me look at the fuse box and I will find the problem”.

The third engineer, who was a chemical engineer, said, “its just a problem with the fuel. Flush out all of the gas and replace it with new gas and you will see that the car will be fine.”

Then the three engineers looked at the fourth who was a computer engineer. And his response was… “Why don’t we just get out of the car, shut all of the doors, and then open them again and get back in and start it!”

Chatting with a bull, a turkey sighed and said, “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, the turkey reached the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey from the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there!

A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify.

She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, “Who can tell me what this is?”

A little girl raised her hand. “Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?” “It’s a cow, teacher.” “Very good, Janie,” said the teacher.

Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class.

Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.

“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “What does your mommy call your daddy when she’s trying to be ‘lovey-dovey’?”

Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, – “ooh, ooh!, I know, Teacher. It’s a big horny bastard!”

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.

“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”

“How’s that?” the would be accountant asked.

“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”

“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much will my position pay?”

“I’ll start you at eighty five thousand,” responded the owner decisively.

“Eighty five thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”

“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry. Now get to fuckin’ work!”