Things You�d Love to Say at Work!

1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be���..?
2. Do I look like a people person?
3. This isn�t an office. It�s Hell with fluorescent lighting!
4. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
7. You!��..Off my planet.
8. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
9. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
10. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
11. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
12. Allow me to introduce my selves.
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. I�m trying to imagine you with a personality.
15. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
16. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven�t fallen asleep yet.
17. Can I trade this job for what�s behind door #1?
18. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
20. Chaos, Panic, and Disorder ��.. My work here is done.
21. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
22. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Q: Why did Smokey the Bear never have any children?
A: When his wife got hot, he beat her with a shovel.

Q: Why don’t they let government workers look out the window in the morning?
A: So they will have something to do in the afternoon.

A girl criticized my apartment so I knocked her flat.

A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price.

She thought she’d die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, “Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize.”

As if that wasn’t bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word “Tampax” for “Thumbtacks.”

In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, “Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?”

What kind of drugs are mail carriers not tested for?

SPEED!

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn’t know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice.

He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.

The Rabbi says, “Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water’s edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do.”

The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water’s edge and opens the bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words which tell him what he has to do.

Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi.

The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, the wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice.

The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what words in the Bible brought this good fortune to him.

The man replies: “Chapter 11″.