There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don’t let him do that.

He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don’t let him do that.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, don’t let him do that.

But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don’t let him do that, it will disgrace the family.

With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said.

But she said “grandmother I didn’t let him disgrace the family.
When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family!”

Do you know what the height of hard upfullness is?

Two old ladies in an asparagus patch doing knee bends!

A boy goes on a fishing trip with his grandpa. They install themselves on the river bank and have brought with them all the provisions they need for a fine day’s fishing.

After a while, grandpa lights a cigarette. The boy gazes on. He knows his parents won’t allow him to smoke, but he gets on well with his grandpa, so he asks ‘Can I have one of those cigarettes?’

Grandpa, knowing he shouldn’t encourage the boy in a bad habit, but not wanting give a curt ‘no’ asks ‘Does your dick reach your ass?’. The boy replies ‘No , it doesn’t’. ‘Then, ‘ said grandpa, ‘you aren’t old enough to smoke.’

Half an hour later grandpa opens a six pack. The boy has always wanted to taste beer so he asks grandpa for a swig. ‘Does your dick reach your ass?’ asks the old man. ‘No, replies the boy.’ ‘Then you’re not big enough to touch beer,’ comes the reply.

By and by the boy feels hungry and opens his lunch box. He finds a pack of cookies there and takes one out to eat it. Grandpa sees this and fancies a cookie himself, so he asks for one.

The boy turns the tables on his grandpa and asks ‘Does you dick reach your ass?’ ‘It sure does, says the old man.’

‘Then go fuck yourself – These are all mine!’

Three old ladies went for a walk in the park, they were suddenly approached by a man who flashed at them, two of them had a stroke – the third wasn’t quick enough..

There was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis. He decided to do something about it. So he went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this “thing” sticking out of the sand, she began to move it about with her cane. She remarked to the other little old lady,

“There ain’t hardly no justice in this world.”
The other little old lady asked, “What do you mean by that?”
“Well,” the first lady said, “When I was 20, I was curious about it.
“When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
“When I was 40, I asked for it.
“When I was 50, I paid for it.
“When I was 60, I prayed for it.
“When I was 70, I forgot about it.”

And now that I’m 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I’m too old to squat !”