A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’

The stock boy answered, ‘No ma’ am, they’re dead.’

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something I had to know;
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of…..Black November;

“Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you’ll get six meals instead of just three,
And soon you’ll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you’ll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.”

“And then one morning, when you’re warm in your bed,
In’ll burst the farmer’s wife, and hack off your head.
Then she’ll pluck out your feathers so you’re bald ‘n pink,
And scoop out your insides and leave ya lyin’ in the sink.”

“And then comes the worst part,” he said not bluffing,
“She’ll spread your cheeks and pack your rear end with stuffing.”
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat.

I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked.
I’d have to lay low and remain overlooked.
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola.

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes.
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed.

But ’twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death.
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the whole compound.

So now I’m a pet in the farmer’s wife’s lap;
I haven’t a worry, so I eat and I nap.
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said, “Christmas is coming….”

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their AGE

What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock

Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner?
No, you should just have the turkey!

What sound does a turkey’s phone make?
Wing Wing

When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
In the dictionary!

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
I’ll tell you at Christmas.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.

How much did the Mayflower weigh?
A Puri-TON

Why does a pilgrim’s pants always fall down?
Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!

What’s a turkey’s favorite song?
“I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”

What sound does a space turkey make?
Hubble, hubble, hubble.

Why do turkeys always go “gobble, gobble”?
Because they never learned good table manners!

Why can’t you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such FOWL language

What are the feathers on a turkey’s wings called?
Turkey feathers

What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
The turkey trot

Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes – a building can’t jump at all

What do Hippies put on their Thanksgiving potatoes?
Groovy

What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving

Why should you keep your eye off the turkey dressing?
Because it makes him blush!

What happened when the turkey met the axe?
He lost his head!

Teacher: “Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?”
Student: “Maybe they missed their plane.”

Why was Plymouth Rock so brave?
It was a little boulder.

Teacher: “Why do we have a Thanksgiving holiday?”
Student: “So we know when to start Christmas shopping!”

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Arthur.
Arthur who?
Arthur any leftovers?

When did the Pilgrims first say “God bless America?”
The first time they heard America sneeze!

What are unhappy cranberries called?
Blueberries!

How can you tell a male turkey from a female turkey?
The male is the one holding the remote control.

What do you call the dirt on a Pilgrim’s hands?
Pilgrime!

What is your favourite thing to make for Thanksgiving dinner?
Reservations!

Why didn’t the turkey eat dessert?
He was stuffed!

What’s blue and covered with feathers?
A turkey holding its breath!

What cat discovered America?
Christofurry Columbus!

Why was the monster tickled when he ate the turkey?
Because he forgot to pluck the feathers!

What’s the best way to stuff a turkey?
Take him out for pizza and ice cream!

How can you make a turkey float?
You need 2 scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a turkey

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside

Asked to write a composition entitled, “What I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving,” little Johnny wrote, “I am thankful that I’m not a turkey.”

Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play

What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
The turKEY

What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy! I’m stuffed!

What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Lots of drumsticks!

When the Pilgrims landed, where did they stand?
On their feet!

What’s the best thing to put into a pumpkin pie?
Your teeth!

What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an octopus?
Eight feather dusters!

What kind of vegetables would you like for Thanksgiving dinner?
Beets me!

What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?
Your nose

Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?
To hatchet.

Why did the Pilgrim eat a candle?
He wanted a light snack!

What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter “g”!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to wait long to eat?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Waddle.
Waddle who?
Waddle I do if you don’t open the door?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, I’m hungry!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gladys.
Gladys who?
Gladys Thanksgiving. Aren’t you?

What do rich people eat on Thanksgiving?
14 Karats

Where did the first corn come from?
The stalk brought it

Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?
To keep his wigwam

What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?
He had an arrow escape

Why don’t you eat fish on Thanksgiving?
Because Thanksgiving never falls on a FRY-day.

Did you hear about the guy from Kentucky who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can’t touch it till she’s fourteen.
—

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. “Where do you live?” asked the operator.

Bubba replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”

The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, “How ’bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?”

—

How do you know when you’re staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say “I’ve gotta leak in my sink” and the person at the front desk says “go ahead.”

—

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Kentucky to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

—

What do they call reruns of “Hee Haw” in Kentucky? A documentary.

—

Where was the toothbrush invented? Kentucky. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

—

A Kentucky State trooper pulled over a pickup truck on I40. He said to the driver, “Got any ID?” The driver said, “Bout what?”

—

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

—

Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Kentucky burned down?
Yep. Pert’ near took out the whole trailer park.

—

A new law recently passed in Kentucky: When a couple gets divorced, they can still brother and sister.

—

Two Kentuckians were walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one was carrying a sack. When they met, one said, “Hey, Tommy Ray, what’cha got in th’ bag?”

“Jus’ some chickens.”

“If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?”

“Shoot, ya guesses right and I’ll give you both of them.”

“OK. Ummmmm . . . five?”

—

What do a divorce in Kentucky, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody’s fixin’ to lose them a trailer.

—

A guy from Kentucky came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, “Hurry over here. My house is on fire!”
“OK,” replied the fireman, “how do we get there?”
“Shucks, don’t you still have those big red trucks with lights?”

—

Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? ‘Cuz 17 and under not admitted.

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