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Fred Thompson Jokes

“I don’t know if you heard this or not but Fred Thompson has dropped out of the presidential race. Don’t worry about Fred, he can always go back to his prestigious fake law firm. … Fred spent all day packing the bags under his eyes.” –David Letterman

“Fred Thompson said he is out trying to revitalize his campaign. What does he mean ‘re’? When was it vitalized?” –Jay Leno

“Anybody see the Republican debate last night? … It was late getting started. They had to go through the bags under Fred Thompson’s eyes.” –David Letterman

“Former ‘Law & Order’ star Fred Thompson appeared in his first presidential debate last night. Political experts called him uneven, flat and dull. In other words, Thompson was the highlight of the debate.” –Conan O’Brien

“There were times when Thompson looked like a bystander when Romney and Giuliani were going at each other.

See, I don’t think Fred understands how these debates work. Like he went backstage and asked the producers, ‘I need more lines.’” -Jay Leno

“Fred Thompson is also being criticized for being out of touch, because in a recent interview, he referred to Russia as the Soviet Union. But Thompson is brushing off the criticism. He says he’s now focusing all his attention on America’s role in the League of Nations.” -Jay Leno

“There was another presidential debate held yesterday. It was a Republican debate held in Dearborn, Michigan. It was ‘Law & Order’ star Fred Thompson’s first presidential debate. I’d say the addition of Fred Thompson has given these debates exactly what they need — another old white guy.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Tonight’s Republican debate will be the first one that former Senator Fred Thompson will attend. Thompson says he wanted to attend the previous debates, but he got stuck driving his wife to cheerleading practice.” –Conan O’Brien

“Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson is being criticized for being out of touch, because in a recent interview, he talked about strengthening our relationship with the Soviet Union. Which, of course, no longer exists. Thompson says he feels bad about the mistake and he plans to personally apologize to Stalin.” –Conan O’Brien

“Good evening. I’m Fred Thompson. How about a round of applause people? Your damn hands broken? … I entered this horse race a little later than many of my opponents. And well, frankly, that really isn’t paying off. I thought that when I announced that I would immediately be the frontrunner, but instead since my announcement, my numbers have been going down faster than Larry Craig in a Minneapolis washroom. … Some people say it’s because I’m lazy. … How badly do I want to be your president? On a scale of 1-10, I am about a 6.” –A “Fred Thompson” impersonator on Saturday Night Live

“Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson are now tied neck and neck in national polls. Actually, you know, if they were on the ticket together, that would be a tough team for the Democrats to beat. I mean, if they could just get all their ex-wives to vote for them.” –Jay Leno

“Now one man the Lefties are not going to mess with is former Tennessee Senator and pretend Admiral Fred Thompson, who last week officially announced he was running for president. Who saw that coming? You could have knocked me over with his remaining hair. Now Thompson announced the same way Lincoln did … on his website [on screen: Thompson saying, 'Just within the next few years, some very serious challenges are moving toward us that will present a difficult and dangerous time in the life of our nation. There are grave issues affecting the safety and security of the American people, and our economic well-being']. In the next few years, serious challenges, dangerous time, grave issues. No other candidate has not quite said what America might possibly face more eloquently than Fred Thompson.” –Stephen Colbert

“Former Senator Fred Thompson, who announced he’s a presidential candidate on our show last week, is out on the campaign trail. … Thompson’s wife is a very attractive woman. She is 24 years younger than he is. In fact, he’s got four Secret Service agents keeping an eye on the two Secret Service agents who are keeping an eye on her” –Jay Leno

“See this is why Republicans are falling in love with Fred Thompson, … because when Fred Thompson goes to a men’s room, it’s because he has an enlarged prostate.” –Bill Maher

“Fred Thompson just unveiled his campaign slogan, his campaign slogan is: ‘United in our core beliefs.’ Yeah, if the slogan’s a hit, Thompson plans to unveil another one: ‘United in our core beliefs: Special Victims Unit.” –Conan O’Brien

“Did you know this? Interesting story, Senator Thompson married his first wife when he was 17, and, ironically, married his second wife when she was 17.” –Jay Leno

“Senator Fred Thompson is on the show tonight, and he says he has something major to announce. In America that can only be one of three things. So he’s either pregnant, gay, or running for president.” –Jay Leno

“Fred Thompson is all over the news. … He’ll challenge Mitt Romney, John McCain and Rudy Giuliani for the Republican nomination. Apparently he’s very popular, but, here’s why Fred Thompson is not going to be our president: very simple, that’s his wife. [on screen: A picture of Fred Thompson with wife Jeri.] America is not going to pick a first lady that looks like she runs a tanning salon. Have we ever had a president with a hot wife? Barbara Bush, maybe, but besides that no.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Fred Thompson was 17 when he first got married, which caused a huge scandal in his small hometown in Tennessee. Apparently, he chose to marry outside the family.” –Jay Leno

“Well you know Newsweek has a big cover story on Fred Thompson’s presidential campaign. You learn a lot about him. For example, he used to work at NBC, so apparently he knows how to deal with disasters.” –Jay Leno

“Fred Thompson, who is a former star of Law & Order, confirmed with his supporters that he is running for president. Afterwards, Thompson promised to solve the crisis in Iraq by the end of the episode.” –Conan O’Brien

“Fred Thompson said he’s still testing the waters in his bid for the presidency. He’s been testing the water for what, six month now? In fact, those aren’t wrinkles on his face. He’s starting to prune up” –Jay Leno

“Do you realize if Fred Thompson runs against Hillary Clinton, it’ll be ‘Law & Order’ versus ‘Cold Case’?” –Jay Leno

“The presidential race heating up slowly over the last nine years. … Potential Republican candidate — he hasn’t declared yet, but a lot of people think he’s going to run — Fred Thompson is now busy defending his much younger wife. In a recent interview, Senator Fred Thompson said that all criticism of his wife should be directed at him. As a result, conservative groups told Thompson he’s been showing too much cleavage.” –Conan O’Brien

“Fred Thompson’s on the show tonight.

After leaving the Senate, Fred was a regular for years on ‘Law & Order.’ That’s typical Hollywood typecasting. He’s a Republican … so Hollywood automatically puts him on ‘Law & Order.’ See, if he was a Democrat, he would have been the young stud pool boy on ‘Desperate Housewives.’” –Jay Leno

“They say it’s just a matter of time before former senator and ‘Law & Order’ actor Fred Thompson gets into the Republican race. Apparently, 10 rich white guys doesn’t offer enough choices to the voters. They need 11 rich white guys.” –Jay Leno

“Actor and former Senator Fred Thompson, who left the TV show ‘Law & Order,’ has yet to announce he’s running for president but he’s already third in the polls among Republicans. Isn’t that amazing? He leaves NBC, and his ratings automatically go up.” –Jay Leno

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