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50 Mostly Immature and Hurtful Ways to Leave Your Lover

1. Do it in person, the sane and mature way. State your reasons clearly and don’t let the fear of being alone stop you from going through with it.

2. Do it through a relative or mutual acquaintance. If it worked in third grade, it’ll work now.

3. Over dinner in a crowded restaurant, loudly state that you just can’t take it anymore, then storm out without any further explanation.

4. Write a note in steam on the bathroom mirror when they’re in the shower.“I hate you” works well, or “It’s not you, it’s me.”

5. Write a note in ketchup on a burger and serve it to them…especially if your future ex is a vegetarian.

6. Hire a skywriter to announce it to the world.

7. Dedicate a song on the radio when you know they’ll be listening and refer to them as your former lover.

8. Tell them as they’re getting on an airplane or leaving for some other activity that can’t be postponed.

9. Spell out “I’m leaving you” in rose petals on their bed.

10. Send them a fictional (or real, if you’re totally heartless) invitation to your wedding next week.

11. Move far away. Forget to mention it to them.

12. Make a crossword puzzle where all of the answers are words like “single,” “dumped,” “bachelor,” “unloved,” and so forth. Present it to them inside the morning paper.

13. Keep a list of every little thing they have ever done to annoy you since the day you met. Read it aloud to them in great detail and with many embellishments.

14. Hire a stripper-gram to deliver the breakup message in the sexiest way possible.

15. Arrange to meet your soon-to-be ex at a public place. When they arrive, introduce them to the blind date you’ve brought for them.

16. Leave an unmistakable sign on your ex’s computer.

17. Chance your Myspace or Facebook status from “in a relationship” to “single.” Simple, but effective.

18. Hire a breakup service to deliver the message for you.

19. Fake your own death.

20. Log into your future ex’s email account. Send a message to everyone in their address book describing exactly why you are dumping your significant other, and then sign it with your name.

21. Bring a date to his/her birthday party.

22. Write a note in a birthday/Christmas/anniversary/get well card. Something to the effect of “This is the last one of these you’ll ever see from me” will get the message across.

23. “Accidentally” leave your new lover’s undergarments lying around the house, your car, or your future ex’s underwear drawer.

24. Tell the object of your rejection that you are becoming a nun/monk and can no longer engage in the carnal knowledge of another person.

25. Tell everyone you know that you’ve broken up…except for your future ex. Let your social contacts fill him/her in.

26. Leave the apartment ads sitting out. Circle a few and write little notes like “This one has plenty of room for your porn collection.”

27. Block them on all IM programs, erase their numbers from your phone, and pretend that they don’t exist. Stop answering their calls and don’t open the door. They’ll get the message eventually.

28. If you live together, change the locks. Leave their things on the lawn in a box labeled “FREE.”

29. Go to their workplace. Tell the receptionist that you want to propose over the office-wide intercom system. When you have the floor, announce something like “I’m leaving you for your best friend and you’re terrible in bed.” Then wave cheerfully and walk out without another word.

30. Arrange to be in the middle of a rather passionate moment with someone else when your soon-to-be ex gets home.

31. Two words: text message.

32. Move all of your things out while your insignificant other is at work.

33. Take him or her on a movie date. Just as the lights are dimming and the movie is starting, whisper “Oh, by the way, I’m breaking up with you.”

34. Play your favorite breakup song over and over for them. Give them a very pointed look while you’re doing it. Refuse to speak until they get the message.

35. Tell the future ex that you are becoming a strict Jehovah’s Witness/Scientologist/Movementarian. Insist that you can’t date anyone outside of your religion.

36. On Valentine’s Day, after they give you a really nice gift.

37. Tell them “You just don’t have as much money as I thought you did.”

38. “I realized that I’m just not ready for a relationship right now.”

39. Leave steamy Myspace comments for other men/women. Insist it’s just harmless friendly flirting
even as they get bawdier. Eventually have one of those men/women leave a comment for you saying they’re waiting at their hotel for you. Disappear for that entire night, then pull the old #17.

40. Have “It’s Over” written on a birthday cake that you present to them in front of friends and family.

41. Tell them that God told you this relationship was pulling you from your true path.

42. Leave a voicemail for them that’s nothing more than a recording of you getting it on with someone else.

43. At almost midnight on New Year’s Eve, toast the dumpee with a glass of champagne and say “Here’s to the beginning of my first year without you.”

44. Act it out during charades at your friends’ house on game night.

45. Have your tattoo of their name removed.

46. The ever-popular billboard breakup. (This version is a fake, but that shouldn’t stop you from trying it yourself!)

47. Leave a Post-It note.

48. Load up their iPod with nothing but breakup songs.

49. Design a website dedicated to describing all of the reasons you can no longer stand your partner. Make it professional and very slick. Send the link to your partner, all of your friends, and everyone else in his/her address book.

50. Send the biggest bouquet of flowers you can afford to his or her place of work. Instead of a sweet love note inside the card, write “Roses are red, violets are blue. Don’t make a scene, ’cause I’m breaking up with you.”

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3 Responses to “50 Mostly Immature and Hurtful Ways to Leave Your Lover”

  1. June 1st, 2008 at 10:31 am #TheTimeTaker

    that is absolutely genius! so harsh, yet so funny at the same time! great work

  2. June 1st, 2008 at 12:49 pm #Yaria

    #1 Should not be on this list. Sure, it’s hurtful, but what breakup isn’t? #1 is the most mature way of breaking it off with someone, without embarrassing or humiliating them.

  3. June 1st, 2008 at 7:07 pm #Jen

    Why is #1 on here? That’s the best way to break it off!

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