Encyclopedia of Humor

One Friday night, a policeman saw a car parked up at “makeout point.” Shining his flashlight in the window, he saw a young man fidgeting in the front seat glancing at his watch and a young woman sitting in the back seat and reading a magazine.

“Excuse me, son” said the cop, “but how old are the two of you?”

“I’m eighteen, sir, and” (checking his watch another time) “in ten more minutes, she’ll be eighteen too!”

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 35,” was the reply.

“I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, “Oh, you look about 29″.

“I am actually 47.”

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, “I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age.”

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, “Okay, it’s done. You are 47.”

Stunned, the man says, “That was brilliant. How did you do that?”

The old lady replies, “I was behind you at McDonalds.”

There’s a hitch-hiker waiting for a ride, and then a semi comes along, and the driver decides to pick him up. So after a couple of minutes of silence, the truck driver asks, “Hey, wanna see a trick?”

“Sure,” replies the hitch-hiker. So the driver calls up a monkey from the back, smacks it, and it gives him a blowjob.

“Hey, you want some of this action?” asks the driver, and the hitch-hiker replies, “Sure, just don’t smack me so hard.”

Study each question carefully. Then, choose the answer that seems most correct (True or False) and circle the T or F as appropriate.

1. A clitoris is a type of flower. T F

2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit. T F

3. “Spread Eagle” is an extinct bird. T F

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble. T F

5. Menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels. T F

6. A G-string is part of a violin. T F

7. Semen is another word for “sailor”. T F

8. Anus is the Latin word for “yearly”. T F

9. Testicles are found on an octopus. T F

10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles. T F

11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. T F

12. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas. T F

13. Coitus is a musical instrument. T F

14. Fetus is a character on “Gunsmoke”. T F

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. T F

16. A condom is an apartment complex. T F

17. An organism is the person who accompanies the chior in church. T F

18. A diaphram is a drawing in geometry. T F

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. T F

20. An erection is when the Japanese vote for their new government officials. T F

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. T F

22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass. T F

23. Pornography is the business of making record albums. T F

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins. T F

25. Douche is the Italian word for “twelve”. T F

26. An enema is someone who is not your friend. T F

27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese. T F

Lewis’s cousin, the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn’t remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn’t find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier’s Customer Service Hot Line.

“Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow’s udder?” “Don’t worry,” replied the customer service rep, “The machine will release automatically once it’s collected two gallons.”