Encyclopedia of Humor

Once upon a time Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest to her grandmother’s house. She was carrying a basket full of wonderful goodies for her and her grandmother to eat…

she also had a big gun to protect herself in the woods.

One day Little Red Riding Hood came upon a Fox. The fox looked at Little Red and says “Little Red Riding hood, what are you doing walking in the forest by yourself. You know if the wolf catches you he will rip your clothes off and fondle your titties.”

Little Red sighs and smiles at the fox and slowly opens her basket and shows the fox her gun and says “No he won’t, see I have a gun to protect myself.” She smiles and skips away from the fox to her grandmother’s house.

Little red gets deep within the forest when she comes upon a bear who wanders up to her and smells the yummy food in the basket then thinks to himself for a second and says, “What are you, stupid, Little Red? You know if the Wolf catches you alone in the forest he’s going to rip your clothes off and fondle your titties.”

Little Red shows the bear the big gun in her basket and smiles, “No he won’t I have a big gun in my basket ….” She pulls out the gun “See, nothing can harm me.” Little Red smiles and skips to grandmother’s house.

Little red finally makes it to grandmother’s house…and knocks on the door…no one answers so she goes right in. She walks to the bed, sees the Wolf and screams as the Wolf yells, “Little Red Riding Hood, I am going to rip your clothes off and fondle your titties!”

The wolf reaches out to her and Little Red smiles and pulls out her gun and yells, “No you’re not! You are going to EAT ME, JUST LIKE THE BOOKS SAYS!”

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

The man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”

The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

“Cool!” says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.”

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini – “I want to feel your breasts” he exclaimed.

“Get away from me, you crazy old man” she replied.

“I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars,” he says.

“Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!”

“I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS” he stated.

“NO! Get away from me!”

“TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS” he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, “I said NO!”

“FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts,” he exclaimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough… and $500 IS a lot of money… “Well, OK… but only for a minute.”

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel… then he started saying, “OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD…” while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, “Why do you keep saying, ‘Oh my god, oh my god’?”

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, “OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?”

Jon was looking for a little “action.” He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know that she was darn near a nymphomaniac.

After six times having sex, she was screaming for more. After the eighth time, Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out, he stopped into the men’s room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn’t find “it.”

After a couple of minutes fishing around, he finally said, “Look, it’s okay. She’s not here!”

One day an elderly man decided that since he had never fathered any children that he would make a deposit to the local sperm bank. At the sperm bank a young doctor gave the man a jar and told him to go into the bathroom and put his deposit in it.

After what seemed like a long time the young doctor began to worry about the elderly man so he went to the bathroom door and knocked and ask if he was all right. No answer came from beyond the door so the doctor opened the door finding the elderly man breathing hard and sweating.

The Dr. asks, “Are you OK!”

The elderly man replied, “Son, it is not as easy as it use to be. I have slapped it, spit on it and beat it on the wall. I even ran hot water on it, I ran cold water on it and I can’t get the lid off this jar to save my life!”