Encyclopedia of Humor

Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?”

The other guy says, “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the General’s new bird dog, ”Sarge”.The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn’t part with him at any price.

A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. ”What happened to ole ”Sarge?” he asked.

”Had to shoot him,” grumbled the General. ”A friend came to hunt with me and couldn’t remember the dog’s name. He kept calling him Colonel. After that, all that damn dog would do was sit on his ass and bark.

1972: Long hair2002: Longing for hair

1972: The perfect high

2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1972: KEG

2002: EKG

1972: Acid rock

2002: Acid reflux

1972: Moving to California because it’s cool

2002: Moving to California because it’s warm

1972: Growing pot

2002: Growing pot belly

1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1972: Seeds and stems

2002: Roughage

1972: Popping pills, smoking joints

2002: Popping joints

1972: Killer weed

2002: Weed killer

1972: Hoping for a BMW

2002: Hoping for a BM

1972: The Grateful Dead

2002: Dr. Kevorkian

1972: Screw the system

2002: Upgrade the system

1972: Disco

2002: Costco

1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut

2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1972: Taking acid

2002: Taking antacid

1972: Whatever

2002: Depends

Dear Heavenly Father,

I think you’d be proud of me! So far today I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. Praise Your Name! I’m grateful for Your grace…

But Lord, a few minutes from now, I’m getting out of bed… From then on I’m going to need a lot MORE of Your help!

It seems God noticed Adam was despondent. So the Lord God said, “Adam, come over here and sit down!”. And Adam did so.

“Adam,” spoke the Creator, “I see your countenance is fallen and you seem to feel rotten and lonely.” Adam said nothing in

response. “So,” continued the Lord, “I am going to create an alternate person who will be with you!” Adam just looked puzzled but interested. “This person,” said the Lord, “will take all the raw and tasteless food that you are currently ruining and will prepare wonderful, spicy, and tasty dishes.”

Adam looked grateful. “This person, “said the Lord, “will be beautiful to behold and graceful and interesting to watch as she walks.” Adam looked thoughtful. “This person, “emphasized the Lord,”will be able to satisfy all those dreams that you currently are having!” Adam really looked believed. “And, lastly,” said the Lord, “She will obey your every whim and desire and order with cheerfulness.” Adam was really impressed and finally spoke.

“O.K., Lord, but what is this going to cost me?” “An arm and a leg,” said the Almighty.

“Well,” Adam then said, “What can I get for a rib?”