Encyclopedia of Humor

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969.”The other points his thumb behind him and says, “Dog crap, 20 feet back.”

Breakfast:1/2 grapefruit

1 slice whole wheat toast

8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:

4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast

1 cup steamed spinach

1 cup herb tea

1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon Snack:

The rest of Oreos in the package

2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream

1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:

2 loaves garlic bread

4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke

1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza

3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:

Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

Rules for This Diet

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

When you eat with someone else, calories don”t count if you do not eat more than they do.

Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one”s personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.

Cookie pieces contain no calories. (The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.)

Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.

Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

Anything consumed from someone else”s plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa’s lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.Finally the little girl asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?”

“He sure did honey, a long time ago,” replies her grandpa.

“Well, did God make me?” asks the little girl.

“Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago,” answers her grandpa.

“Boy,” says the little girl, “He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t He?”

A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he explained the basics to his wife, he told her the most important piece of information:Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator!

So they departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer. Minutes later he heard his wife’s gun go off. The husband decided to make sure she went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone. When he got to his wife she was arguing with another man. When he finally got to his wife the man was shouting waving his hands in the air:

“Okay! Fine lady this is YOUR deer, but do you mind if I take my saddle off your deer before you take it away?”

Aug. 12 – Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It’s so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.Oct. 14 – Canada–it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!Nov. 11 – Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 – It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada!

Dec. 12 – More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 – More snow last night. Couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to work. It’s beautiful here but I’m exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snow plough.

Dec. 22 – More of that white shit fell last night. I’ve got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I’m done shoveling the driveway. Asshole.

Dec. 25 – Merry Fucking Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I’ll kill the bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.

Dec. 27 – More white shit last night. Been inside for three days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can’t go anywhere, the car’s stuck in a mountain of white shit and it’s so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

Dec. 28 – That fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the shit this time. At this rate it won’t melt before summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out all the shit he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his fucking head.

Jan. 4 – Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.

May 3 – Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that fucking salt they put all over the roads.

May 10 – Moved to Florida. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!