Encyclopedia of Humor

Standing at the edge of the lake, a fisherman saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Another man was standing on the shore screaming for help.The fisherman ran over to the man. “Help!” the other man started, “I can’t swim! My wife’s drowning! I’ll give you $1000 if you save her!”

The fisherman jumps in the water, swims powerfully out to the drowning woman, puts his arm around her, and swims back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the

fisherman coughs up water, then says, “[cough] ok, bud, where’s my ‘grand’?”

“But, this is my mother-in-law!”

The fisherman reaches into his pocket with a frown and says, “Just my luck. Ok, how much do I owe you?”

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: “An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse’s mate is found in a ‘compromising position.’”"See, I have a problem with that passion business,” responded one jury candidate. “During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was

divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him.”

She wasn’t selected for the jury.

A new jail warden was being shown through the jailhouse by the old warden.Soon, after making rounds around the rest of the jail, they get to the cafeteria. In one corner, he sees a group of elderly men laughing hysterically.

Interested, he watches them while the older warden gets his food. One of the men shouts out “63!” and the entire table bursts out laughing. The new warden is totally baffled by the behavior of them. “74!”, again a chorus of guffaws ring out.

The old warden comes back to the table where the new warden sits staring, and the new warden asks “What are those elderly men doing.”

The old warden smirks, and says, “Oh, those are the life timers. They’ve been in here so long, they just number their jokes.”

Meanwhile another one calls out “2!”. Nobody laughs.

The new warden leans over and asks, “What happened?” To this the old warden replied, “Some people just can’t tell a joke.”

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.As it turned out, however, the wife wasn’t having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. “Jeeves,” she said. “Take off my dress. ”

He did this carefully.

“Jeeves,” she continued. “Take off my stockings and garter.”

He silently obeyed her.

“Jeeves,” she then said. “Remove my bra and panties. ”

As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She then said, “Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you’re fired!”

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks, “Can I speak to Alf, please?”

“No! There’s no one called Alf here,” says the person who answered the phone.

His father hangs up. “That’s irritation,” he says.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Alf a second time. “No-there’s no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police,” the person says.

His father hangs up and says, “That’s aggravation.”

“Then what’s frustration?” asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.

“Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?” he asks casually.