Encyclopedia of Humor

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes.In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. “No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,” he said to himself. He got out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.

“Here,” she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. “I found them in the hallway.”

“Now,” she said, “if only I could find my parakeet.”

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!” and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

“Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, “Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.” And with that command, the statues came to life.The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?”

The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?”

Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I’LL poop on its head!”

A tourist goes to Africa and asks his tourist guide while walking in the jungle, “Are we safe here? Aren’t there cannibals around here?”And the tourist guide says, “Yes. You can be sure there are no cannibals in Africa.”

And the tourist says, “But there may be still some cannibals.”

And the tourist guide says, “No, rest assured. We ate the last one last Monday.”

1. So your Daughters a hooker and it spoiled your day… look on the bright side, she’s a really good lay.2. My tire was thumping… I thought it was flat… when I looked at the tire… I noticed your cat… Sorry.

3. You had your Bladder removed and you’re on the mends… here’s a bouquet of flowers and a box of depends.

4. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I felt real snippy.

5. Heard your wife left you… How upset you must be… But don’t fret about it… She moved in with me.

6. You totaled your car… and can’t remember why… could it have been… that case of Bud Dry