Encyclopedia of Humor

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked “Did I just see you swallow something?”"Yep, that was my birth control pill,” said the driver.

“Birth control pill?” asked the patrolman.

“Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was screwed.”

Paddy and Murphy are knocking back a few pints of Guinness at the local pub and in walks O’Rourke.O’Rourke says, “did ye hear about O’Hara dyin last night?”

Paddy and Murphy, in shock, exclaim, “No! Poor O’Hara. Has anyone told his wife?” O’Rourke says, “No she hasn’t been told yet, but I’ll get sweet talking Patrick to tell her. He is such a sweet talker and so good with words that he can talk the fish out of the brook and the birds out of the trees.”

They leave to find Patrick and as they are leaving in he walks in and says, “Good Mornin to ye all lads, a pint on me for everyone.” O’Rourke tells Patrick the sad news about O’Hara dying and asks him to break the news very gently to his wife, as she doesn’t yet know.

Patrick, the sweet talker says, “I will be glad to have a chat with O’Hara’s wife and I’ll break it so gently to her that a whimper is all she’ll utter. I’m a man of words and I can charm the fish from the brook and the birds from the trees. Don’t worry lads, I’ll take care of this. They don’t call me sweet talker for nuttin.”

Well, off they all go to O’Hara’s house. Patrick knocks on the door and O’Hara’s wife answers and says, “Yes may I help you?” Sweet talking Patrick steps forward and at attention says, “Are you the widow O’Hara?” To which the woman responds, “My name is O’Hara but I’m not a widow.”

Sweet talking Patrick braces himself and exclaims, “Shit you ain’t, woman!”

At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team. “Thank Heavens!”, he cried out in relief….. “I am saved!”The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. “You can’t judge me for this,” he insisted. “I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?”

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. “I won’t judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good Heavens, man, your plane only went down yesterday!”

A Ukrainian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime reach, and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who’d get the most out of a dime.The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses.

He told the Ukrainian, “I know you can’t beat that for stretching a dime.”

The Ukrainian said, “I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back!”

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.”I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first.” The farmer thinks for a while.

“I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?”

The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer.

“I don’t know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?”

The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist.

“I don’t know.”