Encyclopedia of Humor

These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England.

Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

An ad on the subway in NYC: “Learn to read and speak English. Call us now.”

An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: “Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed.”

Sign over a restroom in a restaurant: “Used beer department.”

On a store front in Florida: “Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!”

A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey: “Smile, You’re on Radar!”

Seen in a State Park in California: “Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) Check the Rock. If it’s wet, it’s raining. If it’s moving, it’s windy. If you can’t see it, it’s foggy. If rock is gone, it’s a tornado.”

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

At a restaurant in New York: “Tip-ing is not a city in China.”

Here is a great sign I saw in the grocery store: “Snickers, 5 for 1.00$.(limit 4)”

On a dock in Juneau, Alaska: “Safety ladder, climb at own risk.”

Seen on an electrical appliance store in Spokane, WA “Go modern! Go gas! Go BOOM!”

Emergency Evacuation Plan posted in various places around my office building: “Run like Anything!”

Biggs Septic Tank Service (near Nashville Tennessee) “Call Monday thru Friday, sorry, we haul milk on weekends.”

Sign on the wall of the office of an ethnologist: “Beware of bargains in 1. Parachutes 2. Life preservers 3. Brain surgery 4. Eye Care

Billboard sign on a highway coming out of Austin, TX: “Nobody reads billboards…. But you just did ”

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: “Specialist in women and other diseases.”

Sign in a Tokyo shop: “Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.”

Sign from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER: “COOLERS AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.”

Two signs from a Morrocan shop entrance: “English well talking.” “Here speeching American.”

Sign at a Budapest zoo: “Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.”

Sign from a translated sentence from a Russian chess book: “A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.”

Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: “Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn’t worth anything – gas is!”

Sign on the menu of a Swiss restaurant: “Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.”

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign in a Rome laundry: “Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Sign in the window of a Swedish furrier: “Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.”

Sign on the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: “Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.”

Detour sign in Kobe, Japan: “Stop: Drive Sideways.”

Sign in a Swiss mountain inn: “Special today — no ice cream.”

Sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office: “We take your bags and send them in all directions.”

Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room: “If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.”

Sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge: “Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.”