Encyclopedia of Humor

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Paul, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages. Paul, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn’t very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Paul was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Paul showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Paul announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

“First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.”

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

“Well,” said Paul, “you’ve gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.”

Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.

The first man said, “I think it’s WOOMB.” The second replied, “No, it must be WOOOOMBH.” The third said, “You both have it wrong — it’s WOOM.” The fourth stated, “No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB.”

At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, “Look, you hayseeds, it’s WOMB. That’s it, that’s all there is to it.” Then she left.

Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, “Well, I don’t know. A slip of a girl like that, I don’t see how she could know. I’ll bet she’s never even heard an elephant fart!”

“One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.

The fish said to itself, “”If that fly comes six inches closer, I’ll jump up and have myself a meal.”" Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, “” If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I’ll catch the fish and have myself a meal.”"

As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, “”If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I’ll shoot the bear.”"

Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself,”" If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I’ll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.

However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, “”If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I’ll snatch the rat.”"

At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.

The moral of this story is:

If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.”

The following are items found overseas in which people have made inappropriate use of English words for various products, and bizarre menu items in restaurants.

Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce – China

Indonesian Nazi Goreng – Hong Kong

Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos – Cairo

French fried ships – Cairo

Garlic Coffee – Europe

Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) – Europe

Boiled Frogfish – Europe

Sweat from the trolley – Europe

Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream – China

Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse – Hong Kong

Roasted duck let loose – Poland

Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion – Poland

Fried friendship – Nepal

Strawberry crap – Japan

Pork with fresh garbage – Vietnam

Toes with butter and jam – Bali

French Creeps – L.A.

Fried fishermen – Japan

Teppan Yaki – Before Your Cooked Right Eyes – Japan

Pepelea’s Meat Balls – Romania

Product Names

Clean Finger Nail – Chinese tissues

Kolic – Japanese mineral water

Creap Creamy Powder – Japanese Coffee Creamer

Swine – Chinese chocolates

Libido – Chinese soda

Pocari Sweat – Japanese sport drink

Shocking – Japanese chewing gum

Cat Wetty – Japanese moistened hand towels

Pipi – Yugoslavian orangeade

Polio – Czechoslovakian laundry detergent

Crundy – Japanese gourmet candy

Superglans – Netherlands car wax

I’m Dripper – Japanese instant coffee

Zit – Greek soft drink

Colon Plus – Spanish detergent

These are fabricated corporate slogans that would never have made if far if they entered the real world.

Microsoft: “How much are you going to pay today?”

MTV: “Loud and easy to spell.”

Saks 5th Avenue: “You Could Shop Here if You’re Poor, But That Would be Stupid!”

Iguana: “The other green meat.”

Nike: “Just buy the shoes, you flabby spineless lump!”

Daisy Air Rifles: “Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years.”

Canon Photocopiers: “Quit calling them Xeroxes!”

Apple MacIntosh: “Hey, we thought of it first!”

Radio Shack: “You’ve got questions, we’ve got geek losers!”

Professional Bowling on NBC: “Oh, why don’t you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?”