Encyclopedia of Humor

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard “c” will be replaced with “k”. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced by “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” by z” and “w” by v

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou”, and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

Men are like department stores…. their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like vacations…. they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers… hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers… load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like chocolate bars…. sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like coffee…. the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes…. they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers… they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like cement…. after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

A young female elementary education teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.   She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny, Pat?”

“I just saw one of your garters!”

“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see  you for three days!”

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.  Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny, Billy?”

“I just saw both of your garters!”

Again, she yells, “Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don’t want to see you for three weeks!”

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
“Where do you think you’re going?” she asks.

“From what I just saw, my school days are over!”

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.

He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “Help me, help me!”, but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, “Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”

This is one of the funniest things I have read lately. Most of us know (or don’t) that eRepublik is a new game. One of the players decided to write a “How to for getting rid of your wife and having plenty of time to play.” Here is the article we thank the Romanian Media Ministry for:

“A few weeks ago, I was coming very late home for work, as my wife encountered me with a sour face:

- “Where have you been?”, she aggressively asked
- “Honey, I have to admit”, I replied, “I have an affair with a beautiful brunette. I took her out dining, then we made love in the car…”
- “You lying bastard! Whom are you trying to fool?” she started yelling. “You are unable of performing crazy sex to another person, least to say another woman! You were at work, playing that f*****g stupid waste of human time called Erepublik! If it happens again, you’re out of here!”

So, based on this experience, I have decided to actively involve in boosting up the quality of life of my fellow community members, by writing this

GUIDE FOR DITCHING YOUR WIFE WHILE PLAYING EREPUBLIK

1. Have an actual affair!

Having an actual affair is much more credible than lying about it. Although faking an affair can seem easy, you might think that using some lipstick from a work colleague on your shirt, or some perfume from a tester tube in a supermarket might be enough, well it’s not. Women have a sixth sense for cheating men, and if you are not lucky enough to be one of them, you will be uncovered as a fake. So, my first advice: cheat every one in a while, preferably with the same person. In this case, your wife will definitely suspect that you are in the arms of your mistress, your mistress will presume that you are at home, while you can happily play Erepublik at work.

2. Crash your car !

Just pretending that your car breaks down so often is pretty lame. Have the balls every one in a while and smash the bloody thing for real. Not hard enough for the car not to work, but it has to look ugly. Then, you can spend the whole day in service! This is a great maneuver for election days, battles or any other occasions when you need full concentration for a longer period of time. Of course, full car insurance, 3G modem and laptop are required.

3. Buy an iPhone !

There are very few things worth completely ruining your image as a powerful, heterosexual male. Luckily enough, Erepublik is one of them! An iPhone can provide you with several important windows of opportunity to stay connected with your favorite community while being safely away from your wife.

4. Prepare for unexpected calls !

Each morning on your way to work, try to break off a few seconds from the latest article written by Gregorius and try to focus on one PRACTICAL thing about your home. “What was my wife complaining about in the last few weeks? Fixing the bathroom door? No, that was in Beta. Oh, I got it, buying some tomatoes with taste from somewhere.” Then, after finding one such key issue, you are prepared for the “unexpected call”! In this respect, the next time your wife calls, just say really fast “Honey, I was just thinking about weather the small market across the street might have some good tomatoes.” Your wife will be impressed about your concerns, and you will definitely avoid the usual “You seem absent again! Playing that crap again, aren’t you!”

5. Pretend you are working hard !

That sadly applies only in the first two months or so, BEFORE your wife becomes a convinced brainwashed Anti-Erepublik paramilitary organization member. It is an easy way of saving valuable hours of senseless talks about furniture, cheesy romance or stupid TV series. Just say “Honey, my boss urged me to write a very important report by tomorrow morning, it will take a couple of hours”. The ideal time to START your “report” is precisely 22:30, in that case, after two or three hours, she will probably give up and go to sleep. Then, you will have free hand for the next three hours to build up your Erepublik career! Of course, Red Bulls, caffeine pills or light drugs are highly recommended.

6. Get kidnapped !

With a little bit of planning, you can arrange a fake kidnapping, which will buy you a few days, maybe even weeks, of uninterrupted Erepublik experience. This strategy is extremely useful if you win the elections as country president or if you achieve important positions in your virtual life (Supreme Commander of the Army, Prime Minister or stuff like that). Take care, you have to have a solid justification about how you got kidnapped together with your laptop and 3G modem!

7. Get abducted ! (upgraded tactic no.6 – for really stupid wives)

For the lucky ones who have a wife with a sub-standard IQ (I can only admire their power of anticipation), you can upgrade tactics no.6 and pretend you have been abducted by aliens! This will allow you much more space for maneuver, because it will get the police / special forces or other institutions looking for you off your back.

8. Pretend you’re an alcoholic !

While apparently easy, it is a pretty difficult strategy to pull trough. Being late progressively, drinking a few shots before leaving work, pretending to forget recent events, and so on, are part of your arsenal. The main benefit is strategically distracting your wives attention from your Erepublik career. Who knows, if you have the necessary skill / strength / gold, you might become an authentic alcoholic! And then, maybe, but just maybe, your wife can dump you and clear an enormous amount of time for your virtual life! But men can only dream…

9. Win the lottery !

Although statistically extremely difficult to pull trough, I think this is, by far, the optimal solution to your Erepublik career. HOW you win the lottery will be the subject of a future article by the Romanian Ministry of Media, you will see, it’s a hassle but its doable. But, after hitting the jackpot, you will need to follow a few simple principles:
- NEVER tell ANYBODY that you won.
- Pretend to go to work every day. Heck, hire some office space and some secretaries, just for realism. Give them random tasks in order not to blow your cover, you can afford the whole circus.
- Every now and then pull some extra cash from your account, pretending you received “bonuses” or “promotions”, gives an extra touch of authenticity.
- Make up some fancy invitations to conferences or trainings and show them to your wife, pretending that “the company has awarded you with this beautiful opportunity”. Then lock yourself up in a sleazy hotel and play Erepublik until you drop!

Any ideas for a number 10?”

You can find the original article here.