Encyclopedia of Humor

A LARGE, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks’ door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to scram.

“Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the skinny man.
“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the lumberjack.
“Take your axe and go cut it down!”

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack’s door. “I cut the tree down,” said the little man.

The lumberjack couldn’t believe his eyes and said, “Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?”

“In the Sahara Forest,” replied the puny man.
“You mean the Sahara Desert,” said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back…
“Oh sure, that’s what they call it now!

01. I can see your point, but you’re still full of crap.
02. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronouce.
03. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
04. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
05. Ahh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
06. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
07. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
08. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
09. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
11. This isn’t and office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
15. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

And here’s a bonus one:

Sometimes … when you cry … no one sees your tears …
Sometimes…when you are worried….no one sees your pain…
Sometimes … when you are happy … no one sees your smile …
But fart just one time…

The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for
“Show & Tell,” and the next day every kid had something.

The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?
“I brought a Walkman.”

“And what is it for?”
“You can listen to music with it!”

“That’s nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?”
“I brought a ‘lectrical can opener, it opens cans!”
“Well done, Kenny.

Umm, Johnny, I see you didn’t bring anything!”
“Yes, I did. It’s in the hall.”

So the entire class goes into the hallway.

“Umm, Johnny, what is that?”
“It’s a heart/lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going.”

“Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?”

“He said, ‘AAAARRRGGGH!!!’”

Eating with Children

A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.

All during the sit-down dinner, the host’s three-year-old girl stared at her father’s boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too much for him.

He asked her, “Why are you staring at me?”

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, “My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don’t want to miss it!”

The teacher put two baskets of treats on her desk, a basket of apples and a basket of cookies.

She told the students to each take only one treat.
Next to the basket of apples was a sign:
Take only one, God is watching.

As one little boy reached over to take a cookie, the boy next to him said, “Take all you want, God’s watching the apples”!