Encyclopedia of Humor

Q. What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User’s Manual?

A. The bus and train timetables.

Q. What do you call a Lada on a hill?

A. A bloody miracle.

An MG Midget pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. “Do you have a car phone?” its driver asked the guy in the Rolls.

“Of course I do,” replied the haughty deluxe-car driver.

“Well, do you have a fax machine?”

The driver in the Rolls sighed. “I have that too.”

“Then do you have a double bed in the back?” the Midget driver wanted to know.

Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his auto.

A week later, the Rolls driver passes the same MG Midget, which is parked on the side of the road–back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls and bangs on the Midget’s back window until the driver sticks his head out. “I want you to know that I had a double bed installed,” brags the Rolls driver.

The Midget driver is unimpressed. “You got me out of the shower to tell me that?”

1. If you are his friend, be careful. Smifs shouts can cause your wellness to drop by 5 points. And that is if he’s in a cheery mood…

2. The only solutions to any county’s border security is an MPP with Smif, personnaly.

3. Smifs personal productivity exceeds the GDP of many small countries in the New World.

4. If Smif moves to a region, it automatically becomes high productive in all raw materials.

5. Smif, on average, is abut 7.342,00% more effective than a Defence System Q5.

6. Smifs military strength has already exceeded the maximum of 65535 but due to the fact that Erepublik cannot work with bigger numbers, it displays a reseted countdown.

7. Smif does not consume food. Instead, he is highly dependant on high amounts of iron Q5. Allegedly, there are 2 iron companies in Podolia especially designated to still his hunger…

8. Smifs presence in an enemy region instantly destroys its Defence System. Because there is no defence against Smif.

9. Smif can start a resistance war even if the region already belongs to its original owner country.

10. The Romanian Q5 weapons industry is designated exclusively for Smif. He has to take at least 4-5 weapons in every fight, in order for these not to melt in his hands like chocolate. He uses lower quality weapons for snacks, between fights.

11. Smif does not own a house. He doesn’t need a wellness boost, because there is no known method to decrease his wellness.

12. Atlantis and PEACE are there just for Smifs amusement. Although he could take them down single-handedly, he decided that its really cute when little people play army…

13. V1 got a lot better because bugs (like all creatures) are too terrified by Smifs wrath to make an appearance.

14. Admins wanted to declare Smif as a country, but realized that this would lead to the iminent dissapearance of any other national form of organization in the New World…

15. Smif can break his victims’ “revive character” button and there is nothing admins can do about it.

16. One bug the admins can’t fix is Smif moving around without a moving ticket…

17. If you log in on Smif’s account and buy gold you would have 3 payment methods: Pay-Pal, Credit Card and Smif. The las one, of course, is free of charge.

18. When Smif clicks the Contact button all the admins shit their pants and Alexis Bonte has a heart atack!

You’re probably wondering what’s a Smif?

Smif is the strongest player in eRepublik, a multiplayer online game.

This list was compiled by dsalageanu (with some help from Shadow Figure)

A newfie wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the newfie to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The newfie understood and was ready.

The time came to have the newfie jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded him that he would be right behind him. The newfie proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the newfie.

The newfie seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, “So you wanna race, eh?”