Encyclopedia of Humor

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” announced the 60 year old. “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!”

“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 60 year old. “When you’re 70, you can’t take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran – you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !”

“Actually,” said the eighty year old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble peeing too?”, asked the sixty year old.
“No … not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse – no problem at all.”

“Do you have trouble taking a crap?”, asked the 70 year old.
“No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30.”

With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, “Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o’clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What’s so tough about being eighty?”

To which the eighty year old replied – “I don’t wake up until ten!”

Perks of being over 40…

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can’t remember who sent you this list.

A 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

The man replied, “Just doing what you said doctor, “Get a hot mama and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that!…
I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!”

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What’s the best thing about growing old?
You get to hide your own Easter eggs.
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An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini -
“I want to feel your breasts” he exclaimed.
“Get away from me, you crazy old man” she replied.

“I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars,” he says.
“Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!”

“I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS” he stated.
“NO! Get away from me!”
“TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS” he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, “I said NO!”

“FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts,” he claimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough…and $500 IS a lot of money….
“Well, OK…but only for a minute.”

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel… then he started saying, “OH MY GOD…OH MY GOD…OH MY GOD…” while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, “Why do you keep saying, ‘Oh my god, oh my god’?”

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, “OH MY GOD…OH MY GOD…OH MY GOD…
OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?

An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.

The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.

Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said “Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me.”

So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.

The little old lady turned to her husband and said “He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!”