Encyclopedia of Humor

One day I recieved a letter from grandma…

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a “honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I’m glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!” What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a “sunny beach”. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or someething. Well, I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing. He was enjoying this religious experience, too!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I atttended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.

After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”

He answered, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, “You really are amazing. How do you do it?”

He again said, “You’ve got to keep the old motor running.”

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, “You must be quite a man.”

He responded, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”

The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil, this one’s black!”

“Old” is when…
…your sweetie says, “Lets go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”

…your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re
barefoot.

…a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage
door nearest your car.

…you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

…going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

…you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t
have to go along.

…when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

…when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the
police.

…”getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.

…”getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.

… an “all nighter” means not getting up to pee!

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to
every man. Isn’t that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.
What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

An old man and women are going out for a meal to celebrate there 50th anniversary.The old man is getting ready but can’t find his shoes so he looks under the bed and finds a box with 2 eggs in it and a thousand dollars. So that evening he questions his wife about it at dinner.

“Well..” she said “each time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in the box”

“And what about the thousand dollars?” asked the old man.

“Well…” Replies the woman “Each time I got a dozen eggs I sold them”

Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer’s
office one Monday morning. “I want you to begin divorce
proceedings,” she announced.

The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said, “Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?”

Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her throat and said, “We wanted to wait until all the children were dead.”