Encyclopedia of Humor

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”
He answered, ” You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, “You really are amazing. How do you do it?”
He again said, “You’ve got to keep the old motor running.”

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, “You must be quite a man.”
He responded, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”

The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil.
This one’s black!”

A man goes to Frederick’s of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
“This is $200,” she says.
“I want one that’s more sheer,” says he.

“This one is $350.”
“I want it even more sheer than that.”

“This one is the most sheer that we have. It’s $500.”
“I’ll take it!”

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, “Go put this on and come down to model it for me.”

His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, “This thing is so see through that the old coot won’t even notice if I’m wearing it or not.”

So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose.
“So, how do you like it?” she says.

“Damn, you’d think for $500, they’d at least iron the damn thing!”

Dave: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.

Mary: Are you wearing it now? Dave: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s top of the line.

Mary: Wow! What kind is it?

Dave: Twelve-thirty.

The Missing Toupee!

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, “Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!”

The driver didn’t think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.

Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, “Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!”

This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon.

A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him.

“Excuse me, sir, can I help you?”
The elderly man looked up and said, “Well, sonny, you sure can. I’ve lost my toupee and I’m trying to find it.

I thought I’d found it twice, but they were both parted in the middle…and mine’s parted on the side!”

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him.

The boy’s hair was yellow, green, orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes.
The old man just stared at him.

The boy said, “What’s the matter, old man, haven’t you ever done anything wild in your life?”

The old man answered, “Well yes, actually I have. I once got drunk and screwed a parrot…
I was just wondering if you were my son!”