Encyclopedia of Humor

Harry is on his death bed, his wife Zelda is by his side:

“Zelda, you’ve always been by my side”
“When I broke my leg at 25; you were by my side”
“When I had my first heart attack at 45; you were by my side”
“When I had my second heart attack at 65; you were by my side”
“When I broke my hip at 75; you were by my side”
“And now when I’m dying; you are at my side”…………

“Zelda, you’re a fucking jinx!!”

A woman in her 90′s is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can’t live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn’t want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.

He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.

Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman’s left thigh.

This little old lady walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for 2 scoops of chocolate ice cream. The man behind the counter says ‘I’m sorry, we are all out of chocolate ice cream’.

The lady says ‘OK, I’ll take one scoop of chocolate ice cream in a cup.’ The man says ‘Ma-am, we are all out of chocolate’. The little old lady says ‘OK, then I’ll have a single scoop of chocolate in a cone’.

The man, a little more irritated this time says ‘Ok, lady. Spell van as in vanilla’. The lady says V A N

The man says, ‘OK, spell straw as in strawberry’. The lady says S T R A W.

The man says, ‘OK, now spell fuck as in chocolate’. The lady says there ain’t no fuck in chocolate.

The man says, ‘Lady, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you all along!

Life of a Senior Citizen…

I’m the life of the party…even when it lasts till 8 p.m.

I’m very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.

I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I’m going.

I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, & antacid.

I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you are saying.

I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I’m so cared for: Long term care, Eye care, Private care, Dental care . .�.

I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.

I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.

I’m wrinkled, saggy and bumpy and that’s just my left leg.

I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies.

I’m anti-everything now: Anti-fat, Anti-smoke, Anti-noise, Anti-inflammatory

I’m going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors . . .Absolutely nothing!

I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I’m in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP. . .

I’m wondering . . If you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

I’m supporting all movements now . . .by eating bran, prunes and raisins.

I’m a walking storeroom of facts . . .I’ve just lost the storeroom.

A couple were in bed after celebrating their golden anniversary. The wife Said, “Darling, embrace me the way you used to when we first got Married.” He did.

“Now kiss me the way you used to…”

“Now darling, bite me the way you used to.”

At this point the husband got out of bed and the wife said, “Where are you going dear?”

“To get my teeth, dear,” the husband replied.