Encyclopedia of Humor

What’s the difference between a Train and Teacher?

A train says, “Chew, Chew!” and a Teacher says, “Spit the gum out!”

An engineering student is walking on campus one day, when another engineer student rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

“Where did you get such a functional bike?” asked the first.

The second engineer replied: “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, spread her arms wide and said: “Take what you want.”

The second engineer nodded approvingly: “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I want to open a fuckin’ checking account.”

To which the lady replied, “I beg your pardon, what did you say?”

“Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin’ checking account right now.”

“Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!” The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.

They both returned and the manager asked, “What seems to be the problem here?”

“There’s no damn problem,” the man says, “I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin’ checking account in this damn bank!”

“I see sir. . .,” the manager said, “. . .and this bitch is giving you a hard time?”

Peter and Jim were partners in a profitable painting-contracting business. Unfortunately, they weren’t entirely honest, because they mixed their paint with water.

One day Jim’s conscience started to bother him as they painted a poor widow’s house. The next day Jim told Peter he just couldn’t be dishonest anymore.

“Don’t quit now,” Peter begged. “A few more jobs and we can retire.”
Jim refused to change his mind.

“Peter,” he said. “I just can’t do it. Last night an angel stood by my bed and said – ‘Repaint, repaint… you thinner.’”

An eminent teacher and thinker once expressed his philosophy of life:

“When it all boils done to the essence of truth,” the philosopher said, “one must live by a dog’s rule of life”:

“If you can’t eat it or fuck it…PISS ON IT!”