Encyclopedia of Humor

A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.

Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.

The city fella looked up and weakly said, “No… the bees never touched me – but doesn’t that calf have a mother!?!”

20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You’ve got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary.”
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…
3. You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well” he explained” By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen”.

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I’ll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. “Well” he explained” By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen”.

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I’ll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. “Well” he explained,” by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -
Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…….”

One day John decides to invite Mark on a trip on his private jet. Whilst on this luxury aeroplane Mark asks where the toilet is. John shows him and says to him “inside there are 3 buttons, whatever you do don’t press the third one.” Mark proceeds to the toilet and does his business. Whilst sitting on the toilet he presses the first button. Suddenly his privates are cleaned thoroughly. He enjoys this and presses the second button. Dryers appear and dry his privates. He is intrigued to find out what button 3 does, so he pushes it. The next thing Mark sees is John staring at him…..”what happened?” Mark asks shakily. “Well you pressed the third button and now you are in hospital.” “Why do my privates hurt so bad?” Mark asked anxiously..John replies “Well you activated the automatic tampon remover.”

A gay guy walks into a bar and says “bartender give me a brewskie.”

The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here.”

The gay continues, “I’ll just sit in the corner and drink my beer and won’t say anything.”

The bartender says, “Well, all right!” and pours a beer.

A while later a cowboy walks in and says “Bartender give me a beer!� I’m so thirsty I could lick the� sweat off a cow’s balls”

A voice is heard from the corner. “Moo!� Moo!� Buckaroo!”