Encyclopedia of Humor

Sung to the tune of “The Beverly Hillbillies”

Come and listen to my story ’bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with little fraction gone,
It seems one night after gettin’ with the wife,
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.
Penis, that is.
Clean Cut. Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there’s a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena’s in the car taken’ Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she rounded a bend.
Curve, that is.
Tossed the nub. In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed “Over there”
To John Wayne’s henry that was waving in the air.
Found, that is.
By a fence. Evidence.

Now peter and John couldn’t stay apart too long
So a dick doc said, “Hey, I can fix that dong!”
“A needle and a thread is all we’re gonna need”
And the whole world waited till they heard that
Johnny peed.
Whizzed, that is.
Even seam. Straight stream.

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
And his pecker was the only thing they didn’t show on tape.
Video, that is.
Unexposed. Case Closed.

Ya’ll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear?

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.

They exchange hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest diameter.

By the way my name is Jill. What’s yours?”

He coolly replies, “Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.”

There were three girls in a bar. One girl says…
“I can get a whole hand up my cunt!”

Then the second girl says “well, I can get a whole foot up mine!”

Finally, the other girl says “I don’t mean to brag, but could you help me off this stool!”

This is not only philosophical but is obviously pure science.

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. So that’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

What’s the difference between a mans paycheck and his dick?

He can always find a girl to blow his paycheck!