Encyclopedia of Humor

There is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internet. If you receive an e-mail message with the subject line “Free Money,” DO NOT read the message. DELETE it immediately, UNPLUG your computer, then BURN IT to ASHES in a government-approved toxic waste disposal INCINERATOR.

Once a computer is infected, it will be TOO LATE. Your computer will begin to emit a vile ODOR. Then it will secrete a foul, milky DISCHARGE. Verily, it shall SCREECH with the tortured, monitor-shattering SCREAM of 1,000 hell-scorched souls, drawing unwanted attention to your cubicle from co-workers and supervisors alike. After violently ripping itself from the wall, your computer will punch through your office window as it STREAKS into the night, HOWLING like a BANSHEE. Once free, it will spend the rest of its days TORTURING household PETS and MOCKING the POPE.

Some filthy, disgusting miscreant . . . some no-good, low-down, good-for-nothing DIRTY SNAKE, in twisted pursuit of her own sadistic dreams, is sending this virus across the Net via an e- mail entitled “Free Money. “What is so terrifying about this virus is that you do not even to have to open the e-mail for it to activate. In fact, you do not even need to RECEIVE the e- mail. You do not even need to OWN a COMPUTER. “Free Money” can infect even minor HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES.

How it does this with straight ASCII code is, frankly, a matter of some debate . . . but BELIEVE YOU US, if this weren’t a SERIOUS situation, we wouldn’t be discussing it in ALL CAPS.

So for the LOVE OF GOD, forward this e-mail to all those you claim to care about, all those you purport to love. Don’t do it later! Do it NOW! Now! Now! NOW! NOW! NOW!

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign read “WHERE AM I?” in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER”. The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the Seattle-Tacoma airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”

How to tell when you are spending too much time with your computer:

You start introducing yourself as “lord at pacbell dot net”

Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like

You check your mail. It says “no new messages”. So you check it again

Your phone bill is delivered in a box

You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom

All of your friends have an @ in their names

You tell the cab driver you live at http://
123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” and you don’t have a job.

You get a tattoo that says “This body best viewed with Netscape
3.01″

You never have to deal with the busy signals because you never log off

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet

You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy another computer and install another phone line so that the two of you can chat

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button

Your computer goes down, you haven’t logged in for two hours. You start to tremble. You pick up the phone and dial your Internet access number. You try to mimic computer noise in order to connect.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the screen and pressing the “send” key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so the Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. “Yeah, I got me a couple of friends,” the man said. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, “Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.”

8. Another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “bad and invalid”. The tech explained that the computer’s “bad” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. “The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, “What power switch?”

12. A customer called Compaq to inquire about her disks. The customer had recently bought a new computer to replace her old one. The only problem was her old computer had used 5 1/4′s and her new one only had a 3 1/2 drive. The tech explained that she would have to copy the information from her 5 1/4′s to her 3 1/2′s. The customer thanked the tech and hung up. About an hour later the same customer called and stated that her disk-drive was making funny noises. After a few questions, the customer told the tech that she didn’t know how to copy and had cut the 5 1/4′s to the same size as the 3 1/2′s and put them in the drive!

13. True story from a Novell Netwire Sys Op:

Caller: “Hello, is this tech support?” Tech Rep: “Yes, how may I help you?”

Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting it fixed?” Tech Rep: “I’m sorry, but did you say cup holder?”

Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer. ” Tech Rep: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it’s because I am. Did you receive this as a part of a promotional, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have a trademark on it?”

Caller: “No I didn’t get it from a trade show, but it does have a trademark on it, ’4X’”

At this point the tech rep had to mute the caller because he couldn’t keep from laughing. The caller had been using the load drawer of his CD-ROM as a cup holder, and snapped it off!

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR KID IS TAKING DWEEBONICS CLASSES

10. They tilt their head sideways to smile.

9. When you ground them, they say, “Your UI could really use some work.”

8. They say, “My dad can beat your dad at Quake.”

7. Instead of laughing, they say, “LOL.”

6. They insult kids by saying, “And you’ve got limited bandwidth!”

5. They change the answering machine message to “BRB, leave your URL, and we’ll TTYL.”

4. This is how they ask someone out on a date: “Umm, uh, well…see ya!”

3. Calling from camp, your homesick child says, “I’m roaming outside my service area!”

2. When you ask if they’ve finished their book report, they say, “It’s in beta, but it’ll ship in time.”

1. You’re telling them something they don’t want to hear. They’re saying, “NAK, NAK, NAK” the whole time.