Encyclopedia of Humor

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan, when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, “Let’s both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.”

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, “Let’s swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.” At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

“Look,” she said, “I went along with the blowjob, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!”

Q. How many animals can you get into one pair of pantyhose?

A. Several. Ten little piggies, two calves, many hares, one ass and a beaver!

How to catch a polar bear:

Go up north and find a frozen lake or pond. Cut a large hole in the ice. Open a can of green peas, and place the peas around the edge of the hole single file. Hide behind a nearby rock. When the bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice-hole!

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods…
Cats have never forgotten this.

Here’s proof that Cats are smarter than dogs…

You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.

People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God!Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.

I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.My husband said it was him or the cat… I miss him sometimes.

Cats aren’t clean, they’re just covered with cat spit!

A Chicken and an Egg were lying in bed one night. The chicken smoking a cigarette with a smug grin on its face, the egg looking thoroughly ticked off.

The egg looks at the chicken and says,
“Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!”