Encyclopedia of Humor

Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. “What’s going on?” Ed asked one of the crowd.

“We’re watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine,” he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. “Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there’s a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.

“I can do that!” Ed said confidently.
“No you can’t,” said Ted.
“I sure as hell can!” said Ed.

“You’ll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster,” said Ted.
“Watch this,” said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine’s back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. “Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!?” Ted asked.

“Remember three months ago,” Ed said…
“When my wife had whooping cough…?”

it is 10:00 at the police station and there is only 2 officers working that day…Billy-Bob and Billi-Jo.

billy-bob: hey billi-jo…can i stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :>

…now its 11:00 at the police station…

billy-bob: hey billi-jo…can i stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :>

…now its midnight… and the power goes out…!!

billy-bob: hey billi-jo…can i stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :>
wait?! billy-bob thats not my belly-button.

billy-bob: i know…:> and thats not my finger!! :>

So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, “Hey, you wanna hear a redneck story?”

The guy says, “Buddy, I’m six feet, 210 pounds, an’ ma name’s Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That there’s Bubba. He’s 225 pounds of solid muscle and he’s a redneck. And the boy next to him? Mike’s a trucker who weighs 295 and he’s a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?”

The fella says, “Naw, you’re right. . . I’d hate to have to explain it three times!”

Hi y’all…muh name id’s Bubba and dis is muh fameily:

Furst is me… Mom said I got all the good looks and no brains. I love being a babe hound. Girls make spit roll down my chin. I have a stomach problem and fart alot.

My Mom has lots of boyfriends. One of them has a job. She says with a little luck I could be a garbage man one day.

My brother Hank is in jail right now. When he gets out he is not allowed to be around animals and kitchen appliances.

My grandmom lives with us in our trailer. Shes smells real bad. She likes to hang out in bars and drink beer. Grandma has sores all over and they leak yellow stuff on the furniture. The flies are terrible.

My mom says she is almost positive this is who my Dad is. He lives in a Federal Penitentiary in Montana. When he gets out in 55 years we are gonna go fishing. The blood stains inside my Dads truck are almost all gone!

My younger sister Jill lost all her teeth. She was licking a egg beater after mom made a cake and my cousin Jimmy turned it on by accident.

We are proud of my older brother Barney. He is only 27 and all ready in the 4th grade. He wants to be a Doctor and can write his own name!

Then there’s my half brother Jim Bob and his wife. She is a hottie. They raise Possum in their back yard. They are not allowed to have children.

My older sister Sue Ellen has 15 kids and they all look different. We depend on her welfare check to get by. She has a disease that makes her itch.

Jethro is my 1st cousin. He runs a tomato stand down by the highway. He once went 53 days without taking a bath.

Buck is my second cousin. He is pretty smart. Buck is going to be a dentist some day. He does all the work on our teeth.

My sisters boyfriend for now is Larry. He fixes lawn mowers in the city. My sister says he has a hairy butt.

Michael used to be my best friend but got killed by a bus on the interstate. I still wear his underwear.

Jake is my new friend. He holds the park record. He once jumped over 7 trailers. Jake crashed alot and talks real slow now. His doctor told him to wear a helmit.

My uncle Marky is still having problems. He doesn’t know what he wants in life anymore. He is a Veitnam War hero and now sells perfume at a department store.

My step brother Phil had a hunting accident years ago. The bullet is lodged just over his right ear. It’s hard to understand him sometimes and he always stinks like rotten cheese.

That’s the END OF MUH FAMEILY!

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys, back on the ranch, about his first visit to a big-city church.
“When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,” Joe began.
“You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
“I walked up the trail to the gate,” Joe continued.
“The sidewalk to the door,” Charlie corrected him.
“Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on.
“That would be the usher,” Charlie explained.
“Well, the usher led me down the chute,” Joe said.
“You mean the aisle,” Charlie said.
“Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” Joe continued.
“Pew,” Charlie retorted.
“Yeah,” recalled joe. “That’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”