Encyclopedia of Humor

A young couple left the sex therapist’s office determined to develop more effective body language.

“Alright,” said the husband, “when I want sex, I’ll rub your right breast. When I don’t want sex, I’ll rub your left breast.”

“Okay,” said the wife, “What should I do then?”

“Well, when you want to have sex,” he told her, “rub my penis once. When you don’t want any sex, rub it 200 times.”

A sex therapist was doing research at the local college when one of the male volunteers told him, “When I get it in part way, my vision blurs. And when I get it all the way in, I can’t see a thing.”

“Hmmm…that’s an interesting optical reaction to sex,” said the researcher. “Would you mind if I had a look at it?”

So the volunteer stuck out his tongue!

A woman is on her honeymoon with her new French husband. She is giving him oral sex when the phone rings.

The husband answers it, to find out is his mother-in-law, asking for her daughter.

He says, “She cannot talk rrright now, she ‘as a frog in ze thrrrought.”

Johnny and Betsy just got married after having graduated as Aggies and are driving to Austin for their honeymoon. Along the way, Johnny, who’s at the wheel, reaches over and places his hand on Betsy’s knee.

Betsy smiles and blushes, and says, “Oh Johnny, we’re married now, you can go farther than that!”

So they drove to Laredo for their honeymoon instead.

In the old country, it is a custom for women to enter virginal and sexually ignorant into marriages arranged by their parents.

In one particular case, an attractive young maid, from a very poor family was wed to a well-off, but relatively unattractive businessman.

When the wedding night finally came, the couple, at the bride’s insistence, stayed in a hotel near her families home. Early in the evening, the harried bride came rushing through the door.

“Mother, Mother!” cried the girl, “He says that we should sleep together!”

“It’s alright, girl, married people sleep together. Now go back before he starts to worry about you.”

“Oh,” said the girl, and returned to her husband who had already begun to disrobe. When she saw his hairy chest, she went running back to her mother.

“Mother, Mother, he is taking off his clothes, and he is covered in hair!”

“It’s alright girl, men have hair on their bodies, don’t let it bother you… Now, get back their before he starts wondering about you.”

When she returns, she finds the man naked for the first time, and sees that he had part of his right foot amputated. She flees, in fright, back to mom.

“Mother, mother, he only has a foot and a half!”

“Stand back, girl!” says the mother, “This is a job for a real woman!”