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A young mother had just given birth to a newborn baby and the nurse was congratulating her when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to hand like a basketball.

“Here’s your baby, maam” says the doctor.

The doctor then throws the baby on the floor, hurls it up against the wall, picks it up and twirls it around several times, and then drop kicks it straight out of the 10th floor window.

Totally bewildered, the woman gives out a loud shriek and hollers, “My God!!! What have you done to my baby?!?!!!”

The doctor chuckles a little to himself and says, “April Fools!!!
He was already dead!”

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Well, there was this truck driver that had been driving all day and hadn’t stopped for lunch or anything and he was getting REAL hungry. He sees this diner and pulls in, walks up to the counter and sits down by this old biker who was staring at a steaming bowl of chili.

The waitress comes up and asks the trucker what he’ll have and he looks at that chili and says, “Lady, I am starving to die, here, that chili looks good, I’ll have that.”

The waitress goes off and comes back with the trucker’s steamy bowl of chili that he promptly gulps down. Not satisfied yet, he looks over at the biker who is still staring at his chili. The trucker tells him, “hey, I’m still kind of hungry, if you’re not gonna eat that, may I?” and the biker slides the bowl of chili toward the trucker.

Well, the trucker takes his time with this bowl. He gets about half way down and there’s this big greasy dog turd in the bowl. The trucker proceeds to barf everything back into the bowl and the biker says, “yep, that’s as far as I got, too!”

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Harry answers the telephone, and it’s an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, “Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news.

The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life.”

Harry says, “My God!… What’s the good news?”

The doctor says, “I’m kidding. She’s dead!”

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THE KIDDIE PICK…When you’re by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there’s no time limit!

CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK…When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.

FAKE NOSE SCRATCH…When you make believe you’ve got an itch but you’re really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT…You do it so furiously, and for so long, you’re probably entitled to dessert.

SURPRISE PICKINGS…When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

AUTO PICK…The kind you do in a car, when no one’s looking.

PICK YOUR BRAINS…Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

PICK AND SAVE…When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don’t catch on to what you did.

PICK AND ROLL…No explanation needed.

PICK AND FLICK…Ditto.

PICK AND STICK…You wanted it to be a “Pick and Flick,” but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

PAY DIRT…The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

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There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom night and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, the girl approaches her brother and says “Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?”

He says “No, why? You got someone lined up for me?” “You might say that. Why don’t you take me to the prom?”

“Take you? You kidding? You’re my sister!” “Well, are you taking somebody else out?”

“You know I don’t have a date, Sis. ” “And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don’t we?” Her brother nods. She continues, “So we should go with each other.”

The brother can’t see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening he will take her to the prom. Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so the brother tells his sister that he’ll take her to the prom on Friday.

At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that his sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he’s standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.

“Hey, brother, let’s dance. ”

He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. “Look, Sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I’m not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?”

“Don’t be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why can’t you dance with your sister?”

“Oh . . . all right. ”

So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after a while it’s over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time.

In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at him and says, “Let’s not go straight home.”

He gives her a curious look and says, “What are we going to do instead?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Just drive around.”

He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country, she looks over at him again and says “Want to find some place to park?”

“Hell,” he says, “are you crazy? You’re my sister, I’m not going parking with you!”

“Who said anything about ‘going parking’? Let’s just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It’s been a busy year for both of us– how long has it been since we’ve had a chance to talk to each other?”

So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks over at him again.

“Hey . . . ” she says.

“What?”

“Why don’t you kiss me?”

“You’ve been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I’m not going to kiss you, you’re my sister! “And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car.

She reached out and took his hand. “I know I’m your sister. You’ve mentioned that a lot lately. And you’re my brother. And don’t we love each other? Why shouldn’t we kiss if we feel like it?” She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, “Come on. Let’s do it.”

“Do what,” said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in mind.

“You know what,” his sister replied.

“I can’t do that with you, you’re my. . . ” His voice trailed off.

While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, “You know, you’re a lot lighter than Dad.”

“I know,” said her brother. “Mom told me.”

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