Encyclopedia of Humor

Top 30 Allusions to Stupidity:

1. A few clowns short of a circus.

2. A few fries short of a happy meal.

3. A few beers short of a six pack.

4. A few peas short of a casserole.

5. The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.

6. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.

7. One taco short of a combination plate.

8. A few feathers short of a duck.

9. All foam, no beer.

10. The cheese slid off his cracker.

11. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

12. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

13. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

14. Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

15. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

16. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

17. As smart as bait.

18. Doesnt have all his dogs on one leash.

19. His elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.

20. He forgot to pay his brain bill.

21. Her sewing machines out of thread.

22. His antenna doesnt pick up all the channels.

23. His belt doesnt go through all the loops.

24. Proof that evolution can go in reverse.

25. Receiver is off the hook.

26. Several nuts short of a full pouch.

27. Skylight leaks a little.

28. Slinkys kinked.

29. Too much yardage between the goal posts.

30. One board short of a porch.

On a special teacher’s day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, “I bet I know what it is – flowers!”

“That’s right!” said the boy, “but how did you know?”

“Just a wild guess,” she said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is – a box of candy!”

“That’s right! But how did you know?” asked the girl.

“Just a lucky guess,” said the teacher.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?” she asked.

“No,” the boy replied.

The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. “Is it champagne?” she asked.

“No,” the boy replied.

The teacher then said, “I give up, what is it?”

The boy replied, “A puppy!”

There were once 3 blondes stranded on a deserted island, and could not think of a way to get off it. One of them tripped over what happened to be a magic lamp. Dusting it off, the genie came out.

“I will grant you each a wish,” he said.

“Why not,” thought the blondes. “It’s worth a try.”

“I want to be the world’s best swimmer,” one said, “so I can swim off of the island”. She then jumped in to the ocean and swam away.

“I want to be a bird,” one said, and flew away immediately.

The third and last blonde thought for a while. “I want to be a man.”

She was instantly transformed into a man, and she walked over the bridge to the mainland.

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender.”

The bartender follows the man’s order and says, “That will be $42.50 please.”

The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk’s instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.

The bartender says, “What, no drink for me?”

“Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”

A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash.

He stops her and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I couldn’t help but notice that your dog really seemed to be enjoying the movie.

“He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don’t you find it strange?”

“Yes,” she replied, “I found it very strange. He hated the book!”